Relationship Glue

HOW TO ATTRACT A MATE

flickr: together in electric dreams vpvasqueza

If you're a man wanting a serious relationship with a woman, here's some things to consider. 

first don't pursue, attract.  Sure, you'll pursue plenty once you're both clealy attrated to each other.  In the meantime, you'll want to be attracting to find a satisfying relationship.

Second, get used to being the life of the party.  This is hard for a lot of guys, but not unreasonable for the woman you're attracting.  Be entertaining, interesting, funny, even cocky.  You'll be attractive and that's the point.  She's been hit on by every guy out there wanting to get lucky for a night.  She's there with her girlfriends trying to have fun.  If you help her enjoy herself and have some fun, you'll be plenty attractive.

Third is confidence.  Sounds like life of the party but isn't.  You can be very entertaining, but desperation and confidence don't mix and looks like open-mike night at Funny Bones.  The secret of confidence is practice, but practice will only get you halfway there.  Dozens of tries at open-mike will earn you a start at confidence even if you're not a comedian.  The rest of the way you'll have to walk alone in your own head.  What you believe about yourself and how you think about women will dictate your approach out there and with getting through the first couple dates.

Fourth, have a mind of your own.  Women know guys are nice to them to get a chance to touch them.  Nothing wrong with wanting to touch, but since everyone from creeps to princes are nice, it isn't a factor in deciding who gets to.  There's also nothing attractive when a guy's unable to say no to unreasonable requests or when the woman isn't sure what you wouldn't do.  We all want a real person with firm edges -- flexible -- not invisible boundaries.

Finally, live with some risk in your life.  This builds into being interesting, confidant, and knowing your own mind.  Test yourself -- know yourself.  Sure, sauntering into a club carrying your cycle helmet and talking about your last skydiving adventure works.  But having a talking part in the community play or pushing harder than you ever have in the last 20 seconds of that 5k you got talked into can be even better.  You'll have something to talk about and adversity of any kind always is an interesting story.

There you have it.  If you find paring up is hard, make a few adjustments and you'll be right in there with all the other couples in your circle.  Struggling and rejoicing in the mystery of couplehood.

What do you do when you find yourself alone and looking for love?

 

For more:  The Art of War for Dating and Dating Makes You Want To Die (but you have to dio it anyway).

. . . AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

punks in love Rheinkultur 2006 Rheinauen, Bonn

The hardest part of changing is accepting there' a problem.  You recognize your relationship has a problem but won't just start making changes.  Change is too hard for that.  Tell yourself that you'll have to deal with that someday.  You're raising children and recognize your relationship needs attention; and you'll deal with it . . . soon.  Your career is taking off and you're neglecting your partner, but you'll make it up to them as soon as you secure that next promotion.

Knowing something's wrong and finding the energy, focus, and drive to confront and change it -- that's a process not an event.  You become accustom to the idea your relationship has a problem, you become adjusted to the idea you must do something about it and, in time, you begin to make modest attempts at correcting things. You're still not there, you're still not actively committed to change, but you're getting closer.  Small attempts at change is part of the process of confronting the needed change.

Your dissatisfaction begins to rise.  You can't ignore the problem anymore; you've even tried to make changes.  Now finally, you see it as a "real problem" and your motivation to change has risen.  To keep yourself from accepting the problem as just the way things are, you need to make a conscious commitment to change.  This can include seeking support and publicly stating the changes you're planning to make.  Few real changes are made in secret.

There are no sure bets when it comes to changing relationships.  Two people are needed to make decisions work in a relationship, yet only one person is required to veto a decision. Making any relationship prone to problems.  Problems are normal and getting better at seeing them, confronting them, and finding  the motivation and commitment to resolving them will add stability to a risky proposition.

What do you find helpful in confronting rather than accepting relationship problems?

I DON'T FEEL IT

photo credit: c.cainzos / flickr

What do you do when you don't feel in love anymore?

Recognize that like being out of shape or if you can't remember when you last changed the oil in your car, when you finally get around to confronting this fact; you've waited too long to ask the question.

Knowing you've lost the feeling is actually the second step in making a change.  Wondering, being dissatisfied, or plain unhappiness means you've stumbled out of the first stage of change. 

Blissful ignorance.  This initial stage can manifest itself as love that's unrequited, ignored, misunderstood, or unappreciated, but irregardless, you're not getting it.

And you can be the one dishing out this relational side trip or the recipient of this unfortunate bundle of "bliss".

Whether you're blissfully under appreciating your lover or the one feeling misunderstood; unless you can begin to recognize it's a problem--starting to consider all is not right, things won't be changing anytime soon.

Feeling ignored by the one you love isn't the same thing as being aware of a problem either.  Think back to how many times you've accepted less love or commitment in a relationship as, "just the way it is"; or "the kids need to be the focus right now."?

Knowing that a relationship has lost its feeling and beginning to confront the problem are two different things.  There's a real and formidable gap to bridge between "knowing" something's missing in your relationship and having built the motivation to change it.

In fact, this gap--knowing that it even exists, is the real key to changing it.  Your brain wants harmony and your mind will work overtime to quell disharmony to the point of even changing what you tell yourself about what's happening.  The technical term is cognitive dissonance and believe me, you don't like it.

The next post will talk more about this phenomenon and ways to pull yourself out of the quicksand.

A NEW LOOK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPLITTING INTO THREE BLOGS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help readers in focusing on what they may be interested in, I'm dividing my wide ranging interests into three separate blogs . . .

 This blog your reading will now be titled, Relationship Glue.  The focus here is on romance, love, and passion--how it binds people together to create a new project in their lives.  Why passion is a meaningful life; both its creative and destructive power.  The domain name will remain the same for now (darrenwlovesblog.com), but in the coming weeks I'll be investigating a change to glueblog.net.

 

 

 

This blog is titled, The Analyzed Capitalist, and will focus on professional development, executive coaching and exploring executive psychotherapy and the psychodynamics of executive life. 

Check out: tacblog.net

 

 

 

This blog is titled, Quiet Creatives, and will explore the task of making meaning through the act of creating.  Why creativity and solitude are intertwined--the life of the creative and the path of the quiet life.

 Check out: creativesblog.net

 

Is narrowing down and dividing up a good idea?  Look forward to sharing and hearing from you.

 

IT ALL ADDS UP

 

Life is cumulative.  That's because it has a beginning and a definite end.  And, that time seems to have a direction though on paper it doesn't really need to.  All the same, it certainly feels like there's a beginning, middle and end to things.  That it moves in one direction, and as time goes on, it all adds up.

 

Experience and knowledge grows over time.  You begin to see patterns and so anticipate more of life.  Feeling more confident you attempt to create more in your life.  Regrets follow soon after.  You can't risk something without the chance of regret.  Of looking back with new understanding and to wish you would've done things differently.  And even though time should run in both directions, it seems only to have one.  You can't co back, but you risk becoming timid and learn the comfort of following everyone else.

 

Moments of joy and accomplishments are cumulative over time as well.  Though you may seem to remember the regrets and failures the best.  Still, as time keeps moving and you keep accumulating, you'll discover projects that are meaningful.  Like rewarding relationships, important work, loving families, and beautiful art--all can be created as time goes on.

 

With all this time on your hands, how to make sense of it?  The beauty of time's cumulative nature is that you can start small.  In fact everything almost always starts small even if it starts with a big parade or celebration.  There's always the next day--the morning after.  Weddings and Superbowls are like that.

 

The difference is between deciding how you're going to make meaning in your life; creating that plan, those goals, the ideas of your life--creating meaning; and then trying to do the hard work to maintain that meaning through time.  You've decided to make something meaningful in your life.  Let's say a more fit body so you can enjoy rock climbing.  You've planned and outlined the road back to physical fitness.  The following 232 days of working out are how you maintain that meaning.  Each morning the alarm goes off at 5:30, you open your eyes and get to decide if you will maintain what you've created, or do something less meaningful like turn over and sleep in a bit.  One gives you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction and the other, well it all adds up.  Bit by bit you create your life and each moment you get to decide how you'll spend that moment.

 

The seductiveness of one-moment-at-a-time is overwhelming.  It can lead you to spend whole weekends watching TV and eating ice cream.  The trick is to not think about your great meaning projects; writing, painting, running, or raising your child while the whole of its responsibility weighs on your shoulders as a great burden or as the hands of fear tighten around your neck.   Instead, relax into the understanding that time always moves in one direction--forward.  Small steps--the smallest of steps; are cumulative.  Each one moving you forward as you choose to step toward the meaningful projects you've decided to create for yourself.  It all adds up.

 

 

How will you make small steps toward your meaningful projects today?  How have you built something you're proud of over time?

LIFE AIN'T A BOWL OF CHERRIES . . .

But you can create a bowl of cherries.  Life will supply the cherries, and even the bowl--sometimes.  Life may give you a chance to plant some seeds and will allow you to stick around to watch them grow into cherries.  It could be true that you dream of cherries, or you'll find yourself using the word to describe something nice. 

 

All in all though, you'll have to create that bowl of cherries for yourself.  Yes people will share, but you might have found yourself stealing one or two cherries when someone wasn't looking or to teach someone else a lesson.

 

You could spend a lifetime dreaming of the perfect cherries and feel that's enough for you.  Many people do, you know.  It could also be true that you'll find yourself pinning for those cherries that you lost, or those that slipped through your fingertips just as you thought they were yours.

 

If you've been around long enough, you've surely have regretted some and I'll bet you've even spent one or two whole afternoons feeling cheated and hurt by all the cherries that never gave you a chance.

 

Yet, this is your life.  and though life isn't just a bowl of cherries, you do get to decide what a cherry will be in your life.  You get to create them, and how you'll share them.

 

No, life's no bowl of cherries and sometimes you'll find that hard to face.  It is the human condition to realize that you start with an empty bowl--and will leave that way too. 

 

But, you still get to decide what a cherry is for you; even those that are not so ripe or have past their prime can still feel petty good resting in your fingertips--those cherries you created with your hands, remembering the times you shared your choicest cherries with those you love.

 

Life may not be no bowl of cherries, but you can create a bowl of cherries for yourself.  That's why I keep that bowl of cherries you see in my office.  To remind me that it's my choice if I'll be having cherries or not.

 

Where did the quote come from?  Cherries figure into lots of quotes and you can see them over at BrainyQuote.  It was a popular song during the Great Depression, lyrics by Lew Brown and music by Ray Henderson.  Here's Doris Day singing her version of the song over at YouTube.  It's a fun song that she sings beautifully.

 

 

Where in your life do you create a bowl of cherries?

HARD WORK DOESN'T MATTER

You know that old saw, "You working hard or hardly working?"  It pays homage to the fact that the  universe doesn't care about you--or anyone else really.

So what can you do; If nothing matters?  I suppose it's up to you if you want to matter in this life.  You could choose ease and pleasure.  Who's to stop you?  You get to choose right? 

It'll be you because you won't feel content with yourself.  You won't have felt enough hard work was done; have made enough meaning with the time you've spent; and you won't get that sense of accomplishment.

Remember, there is no meaning unless you give it meaning.  And you won't feel content until you work hard in service of your values.

Working hard doesn't matter.  It's not the work.  It's consciously giving meaning to the effort--serving values you can cherish.

Being mindful, knowing what you value, facing the meaning crisis when it comes; allow these things to work in service of making meaning in your life. 

Only then comes the hard work.  The effort needed to keep meaning going in your life.  That's when hard work feels right.  You are making meaning with your life again.

 

Where are you working hard today?  How is the meaning in your life shaping the hard work you do?

ENDING RELATIONSHIPS WELL

Dr. Helen Fisher's book, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" sheds light on what happens when love ends.  Here I mix my thoughts and her research to talk about the down side of romance--when it ends.

 

ROMANTIC LOVE'S DEMISE--HEARTBREAK

 

In one study, 93% of the respondents said someone they passionately loved has rejected them.

 

• Rejected partners yearn for reunion. 

• Rage occurs when all has failed and the realization begins that there is no hope in getting the former lover back.

• It appears that to break the strong attachment to your beloved, at some point you must go through a phase of "hating" them.

• Once the attachment is broken, a sense of despair and emptiness pervades for a time.

• Eventually, you begin to accept this new circumstance and are now available emotionally to look at other possible partners.

• In time, when a new love has entered your life, you may be able to look back without pain.  But without a new love, you will often have a sense of nostalgia and sadness whaen looking back on the relationship--the risks of love.

• It is a death. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

GETTING OVER LOVE

• Remove everything about the former lover from your life.

• Don't call or write under any circumstance.

• Practice mental relaxation. And use self-affirmations.  Allow yourself to become relaxed and state positive things about yourself and your future even if they have not occurred yet.  "I will be dating a great person and I will enjoy the attention they give me".

• Practice visualization.  Imagine and fantasize about someone who adores you and appreciates you.  See the ideal person in you life and enjoying your life with them.

• Your former lover is in your brain and you are now trying to replace them with a new image and new expectations with these tools.

• Carefully write down all the things that your former love did that was wrong and hurtful.  Write out all their bad habits and traits.  Keep it with you and review it when you begin to get nostalgic about them.  You are not remembering things as they were but in an idealized way.  Ground yourself in reality.

• Conduct a ritual.  Burning letters, or burying something that respresented the relationship.  A ritual formalizes your actions and strengthens your commitment to move forward.

• Stay busy.  Force yourself.  Distract yourself and get involved in activities even if you don't feel like it.

• Be willing to do novel things.  Try something new and unexpected.  It will help to change brain chemistry in positive ways.

• List the things you appreciate daily.

• Smile--the muscles for smiling trigger feelings of pleasure.

• Seek out sunlight.

• Exercise daily if you can.

• Beware of the food and drugs that can be hard on your body.  Your body is under stress.

 

See  Dr. Helen Fisher's book, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" for many more insights into love and its loss.

 

How have you ended relationships well?

GOOD COMMUNICATION MAKES GOOD BOUNDARIES

 

      “No" is a complete sentence.” --Anne Lamott

Today's a good day to remember how to keep what you've got--A good dating relationship or long-term partnership.  And Dr. Deborah Tannen has just the right balance of research and provocative antidotes in her two famous tomes, "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" and "You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation".  With ample examples from each, I'll tangle with ways relationships go wrong with hints on how to keep them on the right track.

 

COMMUNICATION

• As kids we learn the gender differences in communication: “genderlects”

• Female differences include “rapport-talk” which focuses on strengthening social connections and emotional bonds.

• Male differences include “report-talk” which focuses on giving and receiving information and less on emotional connections.

• Misunderstandings occur when these basic assumptions about the differences in gender in communication gets forgotten or confused.

• Men speak less, but speak more often in public about public topics.  They often dominate public conversations.

• Women speak more, but speak more in private settings and dominate private conversations in their relationships and conversations about relationships.

• Men and women often use conversation for different purposes.  Is this because of Biology? Culture?  This is the “Nature vs. Nurture debate that has been argued for hundreds of years.  There’s evidence for both sides.

Men are often concerned about status so speaking in public, even if a female may know more about a subject, can be more about not looking inferior.

• Why men often won’t ask for directions.  Not knowing means being inferior.

• Why men may sit across from each other in an intersection waving for the other to go first.  Status means to be the one who doesn’t submit—go first.

• Women are often concerned about relationships and accommodate them.  This means women often defer their interest or opinions in a conversation.

• Women may not interrupt in a conversation as often as men for these reasons.

Along with gender, there are cultural and family-of-origin differences as well.  Understand that the way you communicate can confuse and even be upsetting to others with different communication styles.

• Loud vs. Soft

• Pausing vs. Rapid

• Fast vs. Slow

• Changing Tone vs. Even Tone

• Emotional vs. Monotone

• Interrupting vs. Waiting

• Questions: Showing Interest vs. Interrogation

• Complaining: Solidarity vs. Bad Form

• Self-Revelation:  “First Me, Then You” vs. Not Playing Along

You might try and preserve a relationship by being indirect.  To maintain positive feelings and to avoid confrontation.  As long as the other person understands you are being indirect for these purposes.  Being direct may be necessary, but it can also just be mean and hurtful.  Conversations aren’t nearly as simple as they seem to be.

You may attempt to change the other person’s style by doing the opposite of what you find unpleasant.  If they talk too loud you try and talk softer.  Of course, they are trying to do the same thing; they are talking louder and louder as you are talking softer and softer! 

Often the response is that the other person is crazy or that they are not understandable.  What is happening is that you are trying to understand each other from your own communication style.  It is important to understand that culture, gender, and upbringing can all impact the way someone gives and receives communication.

 

BOUNDARIES

• Boundaries are like rules.  Any institution like a university, theatre, your local gym has rules.  They value the physical space itself and the atmosphere they're trying to create for their clients and customers.

• Recognizing and enforcing you own boundaries means you respect yourself.  You respect your physical body and you respect the environment you want to create for yourself.

• Not everyone will want to respect you.  Some won’t respect your body.  From ridiculing you choice of dress or your physique to making fun of your efforts at improvement.  Others may violate more serious rules like not honoring your requests regarding physical intimacy to physical assault.

• It's up to you to value you as a person.  To know it’s you who creates the environment around you and that you have the right to say who is in your life.

• When someone is inappropriate in a museum, they are typically warned.  If the misbehavior continues, they are asked to leave.   Likewise, you'll need to get used to knowing your own rules, warning those who violate them, and then being prepared to ask them to leave your life if they choose not to refrain from inappropriate behavior.

• And it's appropriate behavior that's the focus.  Some fear having expectations is arrogant.  That asking for a minimum level of behavior is unreasonable.  Boundaries are reasonable and normal.

Some examples to consider when dating and seeking a relationship:

• The person I date must be unattached--meaning you're not married or already have a partner

• My life's direction and plans are important.  I won't put my life on hold for your dysfunctions

• I expect to be treated with respect, kindness and trust.  And I'll do the same.

• I will date with the future in mind.  I expect you to do so as well.

• I expect my relationships to have equality.  But I control my life.

• I expect my romantic relationships to be mutually satisfying and healthy.

• I value honesty and without that there's no real relationship.

• I will demonstrate my own value in a relationship; if you reject me you'll have increasingly less time available to change your mind.

• I can't fix someone else.  You must be present and capable of participating in a relationship.

Take time this week and examine Dr. Tannen's books: "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" and "You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation".

How has your conversation changed as you've gotten to know your partner?  How have boundaries improved your relationships?

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE LONG HAUL

 

 Relationships are often the result of dating.  For many that's the driving goal.  Once there, it can be another story if left unattended.  My take on this as several books help clear the path.  "Falling In Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose" by Ayala Malach-Pines and, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" by Helen Fisher are two that I find both detailed and clear when it comes to explaining dating and partnerships.


DR. KELLER GLEANS RESEARCH ON

 

Keeping Romance Alive:

• Do novel things together - variety, variety, variety.

• Sexual intimacy.

• Review antidepressant medication.

• Be gender-specific - face-to-face (female) vs. side-by-side (male).

• Space or time apart increases anticipation and pleasure of the reward (to a point).

• Date and stay romantic.

Making yourself fall in love:

• Do novel and exciting things together.

• Banish other romantic distractions.

• Open yourself up to love.

Making a relationship last:

• Novelty.

• Commit to one another.

• Have engaging life projects - keep growing intellectually.

• Regular sexual intimacy.

• Listen to each other: Ask questions--Give answers.

• Appreciate one another.

• Stay attractive.

• For men, include your partner.

• For women, give him space.

• Be honest and trustworthy.

• Tell your mate what you need.

• Accept your mate's shortcomings

• Be respectful.

• Mind your manners.

• Have a sense of humor and use it.

• Compromise.

• Argue constructively.

• Never threaten to depart.

• Forget the past.

• Avoid affairs.

• Don't assume the relationship will last forever.

• Build and work on the relationship every day.

• Take relationship problems as a chance to grow.

DR. AYALA MALACH-PINES DELVES INTO RESEARCH & THEORY

 

Trying again--How to make use of past long-term relationships in the next one.

• Intimate relationships can be the best way to help resolve childhood issues and create meaning for your life. So even if you’ve been in a long-term relationship and it has ended, it doesn’t mean you can never be in another one.

• Your old relationship gives you a chance to see where you’ve grown and how you might change things in your new relationship.

• The choice to fall in love is unconscious/unintentional and so is often illogical/emotional.  The reasoning part of the brain is called the cerebral cortex-the outer most layer of the brain; and falling in love is decided by the limbic system—where emotions rule in the deeper parts of the brain.  

• While illogical and emotional; the choice does seem purposeful in that it provides you a partner best suited to deal with your own obstacles to growth.

• However, the risk is that the first thing that attracts you to your partner may be the thing that causes the most problems later on. 

 

Here are some examples:

• Attraction:  He pursued you and you felt desirable. 
• Problem:     You feel smothered and can’t breathe.

• Attraction:  She was perfect and your ideal in a partner.
• Problem:     You never get the feeling she desires me.

• Attraction:  You always felt secure with him.
• Problem:     He is boring.

• Attraction:  She has a mysterious air about her.
• Problem:     She isn’t really there; no emotional intimacy.

• Attraction:  He was ambitions and looked to be a success.
• Problem:    He’s gone all the time on business; never home.

• Attraction: She looked to be a great homemaker.
• Problem:    She is not exciting; no interest outside the home.

• Attraction: He looks to be very easy-going.
• Problem:    He won’t stand up for himself.

• Attraction: She was energetic, very active and exciting.
• Problem:    She blow up over little things; has temper tantrums.

• Attraction: He was very smart and assertive man.
• Problem:    He makes me feel incompetent and stupid.

• Attraction: She respects me and you feel appreciated.
• Problem:    She is insecure and blames me for everything.

 

• Obviously, the attraction is meeting a need in your own life.  When you’ve begun to grow in that area, you may no longer need what it was about them that attracted you.  Now, the trait feels more like a problem than something positive and you’re at risk for relationship burnout.

• Some may fall in love, start a long-term relationship, get married and never feel the need to end the relationship.  Others find themselves repeating the process over and over again—recognizing they’re repeating the same pattern in their relationships.

• Sometimes, in an effort to not repeat the same pattern, you may try to find the opposite kind of person.  If in the past your partner was demanding and controlling, you’ll chose someone who is laid back and is indecisive.  Unfortunately, this opposite is just the other side of the same coin and you’re faced with a similar dilemma.

• By recognizing the issue resides within you, you can begin to address it and see your partner as the individual –flawed and imperfect—and not as a projection of your childhood experiences or own self-image.  As you learn to accept yourself, you begin to accept your partner as well.

• This doesn’t mean you must stay in your relationship.  You can leave a relationship for any reason in most states.  And no family court in the county is going force you to stay married to your partner if you don’t want to be married anymore.

• My role as a mental health professional is not to put a value judgment on your decision to stay or leave.  But to help you look at the risks and benefits of your decisions and support you in moving in directions you feel are in line with your values.

• The fact is that making long-term commitments usually involve investment of time, energy, and resources.  And each time you end and begin again in a long-term relationship, you have costs emotionally and physically; and at times in terms of opportunities. 

• Most people recognize this and don’t typically even acknowledge their desire to leave a marriage or other long-term relationship unless they’ve become quite unhappy.

 

Make sure you read "Falling In Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose" by Ayala Malach-Pines and, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" by Helen Fisher for solid information, research, and theory on falling in love and relationships.

 

What part have you played in your relationship successes?  Failures?