Relationship Glue

I DON'T FEEL IT

photo credit: c.cainzos / flickr

What do you do when you don't feel in love anymore?

Recognize that like being out of shape or if you can't remember when you last changed the oil in your car, when you finally get around to confronting this fact; you've waited too long to ask the question.

Knowing you've lost the feeling is actually the second step in making a change.  Wondering, being dissatisfied, or plain unhappiness means you've stumbled out of the first stage of change. 

Blissful ignorance.  This initial stage can manifest itself as love that's unrequited, ignored, misunderstood, or unappreciated, but irregardless, you're not getting it.

And you can be the one dishing out this relational side trip or the recipient of this unfortunate bundle of "bliss".

Whether you're blissfully under appreciating your lover or the one feeling misunderstood; unless you can begin to recognize it's a problem--starting to consider all is not right, things won't be changing anytime soon.

Feeling ignored by the one you love isn't the same thing as being aware of a problem either.  Think back to how many times you've accepted less love or commitment in a relationship as, "just the way it is"; or "the kids need to be the focus right now."?

Knowing that a relationship has lost its feeling and beginning to confront the problem are two different things.  There's a real and formidable gap to bridge between "knowing" something's missing in your relationship and having built the motivation to change it.

In fact, this gap--knowing that it even exists, is the real key to changing it.  Your brain wants harmony and your mind will work overtime to quell disharmony to the point of even changing what you tell yourself about what's happening.  The technical term is cognitive dissonance and believe me, you don't like it.

The next post will talk more about this phenomenon and ways to pull yourself out of the quicksand.

A NEW LOOK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPLITTING INTO THREE BLOGS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help readers in focusing on what they may be interested in, I'm dividing my wide ranging interests into three separate blogs . . .

 This blog your reading will now be titled, Relationship Glue.  The focus here is on romance, love, and passion--how it binds people together to create a new project in their lives.  Why passion is a meaningful life; both its creative and destructive power.  The domain name will remain the same for now (darrenwlovesblog.com), but in the coming weeks I'll be investigating a change to glueblog.net.

 

 

 

This blog is titled, The Analyzed Capitalist, and will focus on professional development, executive coaching and exploring executive psychotherapy and the psychodynamics of executive life. 

Check out: tacblog.net

 

 

 

This blog is titled, Quiet Creatives, and will explore the task of making meaning through the act of creating.  Why creativity and solitude are intertwined--the life of the creative and the path of the quiet life.

 Check out: creativesblog.net

 

Is narrowing down and dividing up a good idea?  Look forward to sharing and hearing from you.

 

IT ALL ADDS UP

 

Life is cumulative.  That's because it has a beginning and a definite end.  And, that time seems to have a direction though on paper it doesn't really need to.  All the same, it certainly feels like there's a beginning, middle and end to things.  That it moves in one direction, and as time goes on, it all adds up.

 

Experience and knowledge grows over time.  You begin to see patterns and so anticipate more of life.  Feeling more confident you attempt to create more in your life.  Regrets follow soon after.  You can't risk something without the chance of regret.  Of looking back with new understanding and to wish you would've done things differently.  And even though time should run in both directions, it seems only to have one.  You can't co back, but you risk becoming timid and learn the comfort of following everyone else.

 

Moments of joy and accomplishments are cumulative over time as well.  Though you may seem to remember the regrets and failures the best.  Still, as time keeps moving and you keep accumulating, you'll discover projects that are meaningful.  Like rewarding relationships, important work, loving families, and beautiful art--all can be created as time goes on.

 

With all this time on your hands, how to make sense of it?  The beauty of time's cumulative nature is that you can start small.  In fact everything almost always starts small even if it starts with a big parade or celebration.  There's always the next day--the morning after.  Weddings and Superbowls are like that.

 

The difference is between deciding how you're going to make meaning in your life; creating that plan, those goals, the ideas of your life--creating meaning; and then trying to do the hard work to maintain that meaning through time.  You've decided to make something meaningful in your life.  Let's say a more fit body so you can enjoy rock climbing.  You've planned and outlined the road back to physical fitness.  The following 232 days of working out are how you maintain that meaning.  Each morning the alarm goes off at 5:30, you open your eyes and get to decide if you will maintain what you've created, or do something less meaningful like turn over and sleep in a bit.  One gives you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction and the other, well it all adds up.  Bit by bit you create your life and each moment you get to decide how you'll spend that moment.

 

The seductiveness of one-moment-at-a-time is overwhelming.  It can lead you to spend whole weekends watching TV and eating ice cream.  The trick is to not think about your great meaning projects; writing, painting, running, or raising your child while the whole of its responsibility weighs on your shoulders as a great burden or as the hands of fear tighten around your neck.   Instead, relax into the understanding that time always moves in one direction--forward.  Small steps--the smallest of steps; are cumulative.  Each one moving you forward as you choose to step toward the meaningful projects you've decided to create for yourself.  It all adds up.

 

 

How will you make small steps toward your meaningful projects today?  How have you built something you're proud of over time?

LIFE AIN'T A BOWL OF CHERRIES . . .

But you can create a bowl of cherries.  Life will supply the cherries, and even the bowl--sometimes.  Life may give you a chance to plant some seeds and will allow you to stick around to watch them grow into cherries.  It could be true that you dream of cherries, or you'll find yourself using the word to describe something nice. 

 

All in all though, you'll have to create that bowl of cherries for yourself.  Yes people will share, but you might have found yourself stealing one or two cherries when someone wasn't looking or to teach someone else a lesson.

 

You could spend a lifetime dreaming of the perfect cherries and feel that's enough for you.  Many people do, you know.  It could also be true that you'll find yourself pinning for those cherries that you lost, or those that slipped through your fingertips just as you thought they were yours.

 

If you've been around long enough, you've surely have regretted some and I'll bet you've even spent one or two whole afternoons feeling cheated and hurt by all the cherries that never gave you a chance.

 

Yet, this is your life.  and though life isn't just a bowl of cherries, you do get to decide what a cherry will be in your life.  You get to create them, and how you'll share them.

 

No, life's no bowl of cherries and sometimes you'll find that hard to face.  It is the human condition to realize that you start with an empty bowl--and will leave that way too. 

 

But, you still get to decide what a cherry is for you; even those that are not so ripe or have past their prime can still feel petty good resting in your fingertips--those cherries you created with your hands, remembering the times you shared your choicest cherries with those you love.

 

Life may not be no bowl of cherries, but you can create a bowl of cherries for yourself.  That's why I keep that bowl of cherries you see in my office.  To remind me that it's my choice if I'll be having cherries or not.

 

Where did the quote come from?  Cherries figure into lots of quotes and you can see them over at BrainyQuote.  It was a popular song during the Great Depression, lyrics by Lew Brown and music by Ray Henderson.  Here's Doris Day singing her version of the song over at YouTube.  It's a fun song that she sings beautifully.

 

 

Where in your life do you create a bowl of cherries?

HARD WORK DOESN'T MATTER

You know that old saw, "You working hard or hardly working?"  It pays homage to the fact that the  universe doesn't care about you--or anyone else really.

So what can you do; If nothing matters?  I suppose it's up to you if you want to matter in this life.  You could choose ease and pleasure.  Who's to stop you?  You get to choose right? 

It'll be you because you won't feel content with yourself.  You won't have felt enough hard work was done; have made enough meaning with the time you've spent; and you won't get that sense of accomplishment.

Remember, there is no meaning unless you give it meaning.  And you won't feel content until you work hard in service of your values.

Working hard doesn't matter.  It's not the work.  It's consciously giving meaning to the effort--serving values you can cherish.

Being mindful, knowing what you value, facing the meaning crisis when it comes; allow these things to work in service of making meaning in your life. 

Only then comes the hard work.  The effort needed to keep meaning going in your life.  That's when hard work feels right.  You are making meaning with your life again.

 

Where are you working hard today?  How is the meaning in your life shaping the hard work you do?

YOU FALL IN LOVE--OR YOU DON'T, PART 4

 


So who are you falling in love with?  Who's doing the falling?  Who's the beloved?  Carl Jung spoke to falling in love with the idea of the Shadow.  You reject and repress those things so precious to you--so deeply apart of yourself and kept hidden away;  aching to return.  Then without warning you discover someone so breathlessly perfect.  But completely unlike what you normally find acceptable--feels like coming home.  Who is this strange person you don't know?  You're falling in love and you don't know what's been done.

Jung also talked about the Archetypes:  Anima & Animus.  Parts inside that move and lead in ways that surprise and awaken you.  Strangely embodying the opposite--gender, values, purpose--your conscious self struggles for different things in the every-day-world. 

Parachute encapsulates this idea in, She Is Love.  The one alienated deep inside trying to wake you up.  Falling in love is one way to awaken:  I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around, But she takes it all for me. And I lost my faith, in my darkest days, But she makes me want to believe.  They call her love, love, love, love, love.  Steven Sonderbergh's 2002 film: Solaris, based on Stanislaw Lem's 1961 novel, gives a taste of this encounter with the other.

Each relationship is an invitation to understand yourself as much as it is to understand the other.  Each relationship is a summons to be in the world.  An offer to heal--and learn the path of love set out for you.

 

How does love  surprise you?  When is the struggle to love another a path to understand the one inside you?

 

Hey! check out AM 1470 9:00 to 11:00 am.  I'll be chating next Saturday about dating, love, and relationships, with the hosts of A Firm Foundation, Toledo's #1 Saturday morning talk radio show.

YOU FALL IN LOVE--OR YOU DON'T, PART 3

 

That's not all, falling in love can be dangerous.  Art is filled with it from Romeo & Juliet to Nights in Rodanthe.  With falling in love there comes a dissolution of stability; a tearing apart of what is, along with the possibility of what could become.  In this way Dr. Alberoni says falling in love is subversive--seeking to destroy what stands and rebuilding amidst the rubble.

 

As a youth, you may have had little to destroy and with so few obstacles to overcome and being in love comes to pass naturally.  This may not always be true as you move a bit further into life.  You've gained a sense of who you are with success and are coming to terms with the boundaries of the possibilities in your life.  You sought stability and have achieved it.

 

In many ways this is why you fear and resist falling in love as much as you purse it with intense desire.  You resist and test love to see if it is real.  You know it will bring a reordering of you life if you follow.  And when you embrace it you embrace everything of your beloved.  You love them inside and out--you cherish their very bones and sinew for they are that one and special person--your beloved.  Their character flaws and physical imperfections become endearing and symbols of their uniqueness.  No other is like this one you love and no other love like this.  This all consuming passion, fusing you to your beloved, you gladly welcome its ability to undo much of your life, and make way for this new vibrant love.

 

It may also be why you can't fall in love even if you ardently desire it with all your heart.  Your life at some point became full; it's now settled and you've grown accustomed to its stability and relaxed into it's comforting regime.  You have no room anymore for falling in love.  You may date and seek out new loves, but your life is how you prefer it and without that pang of something more; of real dissatisfaction-you'll enjoy and even love new partners, but falling in love with its blinding passion eludes you everywhere you seek.

 

Dr. Alberoni highlights a unique effect that falling in love has on your history.  You my have suffered greatly at the hands of a former lover or gotten lost in endless emotional cul-de-sac's; yet being in love creates the ability to rewrite your history.  You can now say that all the suffering has come to this one point.  To prepare you for this great love affair.  It erases the hopelessness you've been fighting.  You have a new history that shines a bright light on this endless life with your beloved.  Falling in love is a wondrous thing.  Making your history--once set in stone--shimmer and refocus anew.  Old loves, deep hurts, and lost chances are easily forgiven and reworked leading you to this new love.  Falling in love is like no other healing balm.

 

How has your in-love ride been? 

36.8 WAYS TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE PURR

So I'm getting ready to be a guest on Northwest Ohio's #1 Saturday morning talk show, A Firm Foundation hosted by Rick & Jackie Metz aring here in Toledo every Saturday from 9:00 am - 11:00 am on WLQR AM 1470. 

As it's going to be the Saturday before Valentine's Day we'll be talking relationships, couplehood, and online dating and I wanted to put together a hopefully humorous and sometimes provocative list of ideas to wet the appetite for those who want to fall in love, as well as those already in love--and want to stay that way.

 

1.    Have a project together.

2.    Never stop dating--the person you're with.

3.   Realize falling in love is a roller coaster ride filled with excitement (passion/abandon/love) and terror (jealousy/doubt/hate).

4.   Accept you'll sacrifice a little of that rollercoaster ride for stability to create that project together.

5.    Let your kids get bored.

6.    Believe the one you picked is the one you have an unwritten contract with to grow yourself.

7.    Honor the fact you'll need to renegotiate that unwritten contract when you achieve that growth.

8.    Realize when the woman in your life gives birth; she fell in love with someone else.

9.    Believe that when you fall in love with that new person too, you've created a new way to love her--a new project together.

10.    Get over the idea that there shouldn't be any power struggles in a love relationship.

11.    Don't forget, you might go off to work every day and expect her do your laundry, but if you were living alone, you'd have to do your own laundry anyway.

12.    Know your kids are not supposed to be grateful.

13.    Don't confuse having a mom with being in a relationship with a woman.

14.    There's no intrinsic value in a long life--or marriage.

15.    It's the valued directions you took and the people you touched along the way that made it valuable.

16.    Take out the garbage before it's full.

17.    Resist the urge to use the kids to score points against your former partner.

18.    Find ways to intimately touch one another every day.

19.    Risk looking silly for the one you love.

20.    Accept your kids won't understand until they have their own--or at least until their 35 years old.

21.    Your life is never the same after you start to live with someone.

22.    Empty the dishwasher after it's done.

23.    Your kids were already who they were long before you got them.

24.    If you want a relationship, start asking for phone numbers.

25.    A scribbled note of appreciation to the one you love is untrammeled poetry.

26.    Appreciate those who fill your life.

27.    Practice holding back angry words until you'll talk about what upsets you with respect.

28.    When it's feeding time in the middle of the night, get up and bring the baby to her.

29.    Don't let yourself lose respect for the one you love.

30.    Don't gamble with falling in love with someone else unless you want to end the relationship you already have.

31.    Don't always be in the dark when having sex.

32.    If you're fighting--switch sides of the bed.

33.    Figure out if you want your kids to like you or if you want them to be healthy adults--you'll rarely get both at the same time.

34.    If your relationship is stuck, do something different.

35.    Assume what you can't stand in your partner is what you hate most in yourself.

36.    Make sure you both don't pick the same child as your favorite.

.8      Understand that avoiding a problem is growing a problem.

 

What are your ideas for a good relationship?  What on the list rings most true for you?  Least true?

SUPPORT YOUR CHANGES

I had the chance to sit down with Rebecca Regnier, The host of Full Plate and former anchor of Good Morning along with her cameraman Brian at my office over at Court Diagnostic & Treatment Center.  She wanted to talk about how support from others plays a role when you're making changes in your life.  She will be airing several segments on making changes at 13abc starting next week and after the new year.  She has just finished writing a new book, Your Twitter Diet: How I Used Twitter to Lose 20 Pounds & You Can Too!  that looks at social media and the power of the group when making changes.  Here are some of the thoughts I shared with her.

 

WHERE DO YOU BEGIN?

To change you need to recognize the gap between where you are and where you want to be.  Be it your health, finances, or relationships.  That gap is your motivation to make the decision to change and start planning how you’ll go about it.  Planning is how you’ll succeed and an important part of that plan is support.  While you’ll need to know exactly what steps to take to achieve your goal and what the barriers and challenges will look like, it’s key to choose the right type of person to support you.

 

WHO WILL STAND BEHIND YOU?

They’ll need to be those you love–like family members; or who actively care about you–like friends who really know you; and those you respect–like members of a support group or colleagues.  Just announcing your plan to supportive individuals builds motivation for you to carry through–now it seems real and they can celebrate with your success and encourage you during difficult challenges or setbacks that are a normal part of the change process.

 

WILL YOU MAKE IT THROUGH?

But that’s not enough.  You’ll need to find a way to make your support part of you change plan. to help you accountable.  For example, you could give a friend a meaningful sum of money in the beginning.  If you fail to achieve your overall goal, they can send it to an organization you hate; that’s strong motivation!  Of course they’re also there to remind you of why you’re making this change and cheering you on to success.

 

CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN?

Not everything you want to change has the same level of difficulty–and support form others won’t change that.  But it’s possible to change your behavior and with motivation and encouragement form others these tasks are more likely to succeed.

How have you succeeded with making changes in your life?  What kind of support do you find helpful?

 

Keep an eye next week on 13abc for more on Rebecca’s new book and her segments about making life changes in the new year.

 

DO YOU HAVE A MIRACLE QUESTION?

 

WHAT IF . . .

after having fallen sleep tonight, a miracle happened and the problem you've been struggling with disappeared.  It no longer exists.  However, when you awaken you don't know this miracle has happened.  So, how will you first begin to tell that the problem no longer exists.  How will it not show up in your life?  What will be there instead?  This miracle allows you to begin to riff on possibilities not the impossibilities of your problem.

The miracle question.  A simple and and elegant way to begin to shift your mindset and focus on solutions. That shift in focus is the miracle itself.  This theory of helping (solution-focused brief therapy) believes that when you're having a problem you'll tend to keep repeating the same solution over and over.  You'll change it up some; how often you attempt your solution, how intensely you apply that solution, or maybe how long you'll put that solution to work.  But in the end it's the same solution only implemented differently.  Which is being "stuck".

A concrete example of being stuck and repeating the "solution" would be if a window jam had been painted over and you wanted to get it unstuck and begin to enjoy the fresh fall air on a sunny weekend afternoon.  You might grab a screwdriver and attempt to work it into the side of the widow and frame and give a little pull.  You hear the cracking of wood and some paint begins to flake off and fall on the sill.  Well, something's happening right?  It's not opening, but something "moved"  So, let's try it a little more.  Soon out comes a hammer just to work the blade a little deeper into the crack and work that widow lose.  Yes, you're cringing; partly because you've tried something like this before and you know where it's heading.  It's only after 30 minutes of defacing the window frame and gouging a hunk of flesh out of your thumb that you've decided tyo wipe the sweat from you eyes and walk away.

Everyone is vulnerable to the "more of the same" trap when confronted with a problem.  Whether it's doubling down on bad poker hand after bad poker hand, responding the same way to hurtful and unrewarding relationships time and time again, or yelling louder or more often at the kids to get them to behave; it's hard to break the "more of the same" cycle.

The miracle question helps to shift your frame of reference; to allow more room for possibilities.  Because stuck relationships and stuck behaviors can be more challenging and often resit solutions more often than stuck windows.  

 

SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

The answer to the question is that you're already doing something right when it comes to those relationships and behaviors because the "problem" isn't happening all the time!  That's right, it can't be happening all the time.  If you're trying to stop over eating, there have been times when you haven't over eaten,  At least once--if only for a few seconds.  What was different about that time? 

But that's hard to think about when you're suffocating in the problem and repeating your solution in a thousand different variations without one bit of success.  Someone asking you when the problem hasn't occurred, well, it ticks you off in a way.  You're trying to explain how impossible this problem has become and so how intractable it really is and someone is interested in only trying to find a few seconds when it hasn't occurred?  Piss off!

 

LOOKING FOR EXCEPTIONS

That's where the miracle question comes in.  Here no one (not even you) is trying to imply you aren't trying.  Indeed, not even saying your solution won't work.  It's just an invitation to image "what if" and see where that takes you.  If the problem is miraculously gone, what has taken its place, what would be different?  And how would you first realize it absence? 

These questions are sifting for the first clues to what could be the solution.  And, more importantly, where you've already begun to "accidentally" have the solution occur.  The miracle question allows you to first see what it would look like when the problem is no longer around, then you can ask yourself if there ever has been a time when you were doing that?  Even a little bit?  Even if it was only once?  And if so, can you begin to do more of that now?  Or maybe it was the day of the week or the time of day that's important.  Can you put yourself in that situation again for the solution of occur?

 

Soultion-Foused Brief Theray was first developed by Steve de Schazer and Insoo Km Berg along with a team of therapists at their clinic, the Brief Therapy Therapy Center in Milwaukee, WI.