Relationship Glue

Divorced Under One Roof

You're getting a divorce and have to move out now.  What resources are out there for you?

Not many.  And that's a big problem.  The number of couples that can't divorce because of an economy that traps them together grows daily.  Maybe you're upside down on a mortgage, lost an income with no way to support two homes effectively.

What do you do?

Staying together because you can't afford to get away from each other is not a recipe for bliss and does nothing to improve your parenting skills either. But facing complete financial ruin or the destruction of the financial futures you worked out for your children would give pause to the most ardently independent spirit facing such circumstances.

Maybe you don't agree with the decision to divorce; yet there are others of you who have made that decision--which has always been a difficult whirl of visitation, child support, and alimony; with all the economic imbalances constantly leveraging you as a couple together or apart.

If you're looking for answers, I'm fumbling right now--just like the recession, it's a problem that refuses quick or simple solutions, but here are some modest things to consider:

• Take a breath; you are going to figure it out.  You're an adult and the kids are depending on you.
• It's time to impose on those you consider dear family and good friends.
• Delaying the move may be reasonable--for a time, but don't kid yourself, stuffing everything back in the box though survivable isn't moving your lives in a valued direction.
• Did I mention it's about the kids?  Know you both need to be flexible to find ways to end the relationship and keep the family together.
• Keep the family together?  Yeah.  You are divorcing each other, not your kids. And your kids want to be with both of you.  So moving out needs to work for them as well. 
• Read The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by Dr. Constance Ahrons.  It will help to flesh out the above concept.

Of course what I'd really want is social support for that gut wrenching moment when you realize you need to end a relationship.  I'd want to have duplexes and quadplexes with modest yards in reasonably safe neighborhoods that fathers or mothers can temporally move into; with financial support if needed, and parenting classes if recommended so both partners can be sure that their children are safe and supervised when spending time or living with their former partner.

This is where I'll stop and ask what you think I missed.  To your way of thinking, what else does a couple that's thoughtful and responsible who have decided to end the relationship is to do in the midst of a national recession and their own financial challenges?

A Book That Answers All Parenting Questions?

 
Unlikely but I think the one I’ve used for the last 19 years is close.  I may be partial, having gone through a summer-long graduate course with this thin volume as the text.  The author and professor was the renowned Mel Silberman, Ph.D. from Temple University’s College of Education.  It lays out five points when dealing with your child's difficult behavior.

The Dual Role Of Parents
Before the book starts on the four steps, it reviews the importance of understanding the two roles of "being in charge" and "being involved with your children ensuring you have a balanced relationship.

Some parents are afraid of being too assertive and end up confusing their children by not taking a stand or not following through. Some parents are afraid of being taken advantage of and end up being rigid.  "being involved" holds risks as well.  There is a need to resist the temptation to become entangled with your child's life as well as becoming too distant out of fear of appearing soft. Both roles are important and both must be played at the same time to be effective.

Get Clear What You Want
Getting clear on the handful of things you willing to go to the mat for is important.  If all your child's difficult behavior is equally important, then your energy and focus will be spread too thin to be effective.

Remain Calm and Confident
While it's not always possible or even reasonable to never get upset, it is worth reminding yourself that by staying calm you stay flexible.  You pay the bills and provide the food and shelter.  You are in charge, you hold all the cards and reminding yourself of this in the heat of the moment will help you feel more confident.

Confidence also helps you to keep your ears open and gathering intel on your child's beliefs and what's influencing him or her rather than having a melt down.  Even though it's the third dent in the new family car this month!

Select a Plan of Action
All responses to children's misbehavior can be boiled down to ten basic interventions.  This powerful concept shows that several interventions then are associated with one of the four reasons why children act as the do.  The insight here is refusing to be paralyzed by the question, "Why does my child act this way?" 

Keep an experimenter's mindset when deciding how to intervene with your child.  If the first "theory" doesn't work, there are three more and plenty of interventions left to try.  Simple interventions like "reminding" or "monitoring" become powerful tools when the right context and mindset is in place.

Obtain Support From Other Adults
Finally, understanding the importance of getting all the adults who influence your children on the same team is stressed.  Even if your mother-in-law doesn't approve of your parenting style an agreement that she at least doesn't directly work against you is valuable when dealing with a child's difficult behavior.

The book was formerly titled, "Confident Parenting”, but now the publisher Research Press has picked up publication and retiled it, “When Your Child is Difficult: Solve Your Toughest Child-Raising Problems with a Four-Step Plan That Works”.

Sadly, Dr. Silberman recently passed away from an illness and is sorely missed by thousands of professionals and trainers in both the educational and corporate world who, like me, learned so much from his insightful and fun-loving spirit.