Relationship Glue

WHAT'S GOOD TO EAT AROUND TOLEDO?

TREO

Nestled on a downtown corner in Sylvania, Treo is a pleasant surprise!  I've no affiliation; I just love the experience enough to want to talk about it.

 

THE EXPERIENCE

It's smart and urbane, not pretentious.  A warm and welcoming local eatery with an international sensibility.  It has a jazz lounge, a wine bar, French and Italian roots with a local flair.  Creativity simply vibrates on this quiet corner. 

The bartender on duty had 10 years experience working with wine giving her near sommelier experience--and it shows.  A server sings opera off duty and is as well versed in Chekhov as in the daily special, while the manger could easily discussed complex foreign policy or the intricacies of Belgian ales--your choice.

 

THE FOOD

Impressed with the New England clam chowder it had an artisanal quality with fresh prepared ingredients, creamy broth, and perfect seasoning.  My "French lunch" of melted Gruyere over crusty french bread and prosciutto was bistro-perfect.  The selection of jazz artists is clearly thoughtful and the regulars welcoming.  By the end of the evening I was treated to a guide to ruby port as well as local and international beers while another staff person was entertaining a nearby couple of travels in Venice and Spain. 

 

THE VERDICT

Both cosmopolitan and French bistro Treo offers supreme cuisine and ambiance that fits the young professionals who are making their mark on Toledo.  Make sure you check out the Tuesday Film & Dinner Night, Thursday Wine Tasting, or try the jazz weekend night of your choice.  Whatever you do, get to Treo soon.

Am I gushing?  Indeed, like a school girl.  I'm a raving fan--it's the reaction you should strive for in your life, and certainly in your creative life.  

 

What will you leave behind when you're gone?  Sighs of relief or raving fans?

 

YOUR THOUGHTS OR MINE?

 

WHAT I THINK IS . . .

"I think, therefore I am".  Descartes was on to something; oh unless . . ."The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings".  Wait a minute, that was Shakespeare. 

Okay, now I've got it, "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them".  by the roman slave (who earned his freedom) Epictetus.

Yes, the idea that thoughts create our lives has indeed been around along time.  Is it old fashioned or is there something to it?  If we accept for a moment that language truly is what sets us apart from the other creatures of our planet (just ask James Franco and his new movie), then we can begin to see our concept of the "mind" differs from the brain. 

The brain is a physical organ while , well where is the mind?  Exactly.  We create the mind through our language and so create ourselves in it.  We can live in our minds; dwelling in the past or the future, rather than the present moment--the only thing that actually exists.  As each moment moves into the once-lived past and from the imagined future.

 

LET'S GET PRACTICAL

 We perceive whats around us through our physical senses.  Within the organ called our brain, we process the massive number of impulses via our nerve cells to create what we call reality. Therefore we create what we feel and experience.  As Dr. David Burns is in the habit of saying, you can change what you feel, by changing how you think".

The heart of Cognitive Therapy is exactly that.  By closely examining our habit of interpreting our sensations, we can begin to make decisions about how rational or distorted they've become.  We are creatures of habit and tend to tell ourselves the same things over and over.

If how we've gotten into the habit of explaining to ourselves what is happening around us is helpful, then how we feel is fine.  If however we've become to be destructive or defeating in out thoughts, then our feelings are sure to follow.   Feeling depressed or anxious will not tend to lead us to behavior that's in our best interest.

 

WHAT TO DO?

The solution is that we can begin to be aware of and then challenge (and change) what we think.  In the process, we change how we feel and so our behavior begins to move in more productive directions.  Getting a handle on our thought is the first step in understanding our feelings.  Which are the engine that drives our behaviors.

While it's possible to have complications that make this a tricky process, and talking to your physician if you're depressed or anxious is always the right thing to do; understanding that you can change your thoughts which impact your feelings is as empowering as it is age-old wisdom.

 

When has your mind trapped you into acting on unhelpful thoughts?  Can you be aware of your thoughts without having to act on them?

 

 

 

HELP I'M HYPER!

 
WHAT IS ADULT ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER?

It's not just a case of a few too many espressos.  Adult Attention Deficit Disorder can be devastating .  Now wait a minute--if you didn't have the symptoms as a kid you can't have the disorder now.  In fact, as an adult you've probably have a handle on the hyperactivity part.  It's the inattention that wreaks havoc in your life.  The struggle to gather together the focus you need to get to where you want to go in life--work, family, creativity--everything can be a a mass of confusion and chaos when you suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder as an adult.

In fact, it wasn't even a disorder until 1980.  By 1998 even the American Medical Association relented and agreed it really was a developmental disorder.  Lots of individuals who suffer from this disorder continue to have problems as adults. The problem resides in the frontal lobe of the brain where the executive functions reside.  Here is where you plan, organize, and marshal your forces to achieve the goals you have made for yourself.  When this area of the brain is not as active as it needs to be, you simply are not able to put things together and make things happen.

 

WHAT CAN I DO?

You need to get a solid assessment and testing to help confirm the diagnosis.  After that, it's a look at treatment. It's considered a behavioral handicap with no cure, but don't despair.  Medication is the treatment of choice for severe symptoms.  Moderate symptoms may be handled through a prosthetic environment.  This simply means you compensate for your forgetfulness by using a calender and writing things down; and by  developing routines like always putting your keys in the same place or a checklist of everything you need before you head to work.

 

CREATIVITY OR MANIA?

If you feel you really are too "hyper"; then you need to evaluate if you're experiencing a Manic Episode and suffering from Bipolar Disorder rather than Attention Deficit Disorder.  If you find you're escalating to a near continual state of euphoria without the need to sleep; then it may be time to talk to your physician.  While it may naturally occur during a creative burst of energy, the aftermath and inevitable crash may be worse that the art you created.

 

What types of distractions keep you from the goals you want to achieve?

 

HOW TO WIN AN ARGUMENT

You've been dating only a couple of weeks, but now there's a snag.  You're butting heads.  Is if over?  Not a chance.  This is where it gets interesting.  Getting past the polite stage is an important first step in a relationship.  You have the right to disagree.  You shouldn't have to be exactly the same.  Yet there are ways to fight fairly.

 

FINDING SPACE WITH YOUR FEELINGS

When you feel a line is crossed you'll get angry.  Anytime you feel taken for granted of when your self-esteem is threatened; you'll get angry.  This is the time to remove yourself temporally from the offending party so you can experience your feelings and regain your composure.

You experience physical arousal when threatened.  Heart rate, adrenaline, racing thoughts; these are symptoms telling you something is wrong.  Unfortunately, your ability to process your thoughts is compromised.  Taking a time out to focus your energy, to breathe, and calm down will allow your thoughts to be clear and less distorted.

 

AVOID THE KITCHEN SINK

Once the physical symptoms of being upset are under control, Keep on point.  Bringing up issues not related to the one at hand will drive the argument away for resolution.    Each issue deserves it's own discussion.  Work to resolve the current issue, but keep track of other concerns that crop up in your discussion.

The goal is not about winning or losing; you can temporally feel superior and lose the chance to explore the potential of your new relationship.  Start to warm to the idea that arguing is really about resolving an issue.  That success with an argument is when mutual understanding has been achieved regardless if someone got their way.

 

BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS

Understanding your own family traditions around the expression feelings or dealing with conflict is important.  Begining to learn about their family's rules is even more critical.  Knowing their style of communication and ways of resolving conflicts sets the stage for real intimacy.

Realizing you're separate individuals with your own likes and dislikes; own family histories and cultural experiences; and that you each dwell in your own separate bag of skin--these truths will not diminish the possibilities you'll have as you consider a relationship.

Love allows you to transcend differences and even find quirks and faults endearing.  Allowing you to see the other as unique.  If they drive you away from this new person you're dating; then you've discovered something about yourself.  Your own limits and the boundaries you've decided you can't relinquish.

That just means you've learned a little bit more about yourself.

 

When have you transcended differences and difficulties in a relationship?  When have you decided that the differences proved too much to continue?

 

 

RECHARGING YOUR EMOTIONAL IQ

Whether you're talking about soft skills, people skills, or emotional IQ--it's all the same thing.  It's about how self-aware you are; how well you relate to other people; and how well you adapt and cope with the demands of your environment.  If you're a mom; you've had plenty of practice; but does it translate into the work world?

 

SELF-AWARENESS

Know thyself.  It's been the motto from Plato to Benjamin Franklin--every deep thinker for mellennia.  You too can develop this ability with a few simple steps.  First, if you want to know how much you eat a day; write down everything you eat.  You don't have to write down everything you think, but if you spend time journaling your thoughts and feelings daily you will begin to find themes.  These are the streams which your thoughts follow and you can decide if you like were they're headed.  Still stuck?  Check out Tom Roth's book, Strengths 2.0; based in part on the research of Gallup Organization legend Donald D. Clifton, Ph.D. which includes the chance to take the StrenghtsFinder assessment.  Here you will discover your talents and learn ways to make them your signature strengths.

Second, ask those close to you for honest feedback.  You do have one or two people in your life who will be honest with you?  Don't worry, start developing at least one relationship where you'll treasure the honest feedback they'll give--these friendships are more precious than gold.  In the mean time, you can encourage brutal honesty with anonymous feedback.  Formally, you can have others fill out instruments like the FIRO-B or fill out the MBTI for yourself; informally set up a Survey Monkey account and have colleagues respond to a survey you've developed.  The goal is to get feedback from someone you respect and begin to see how others perceive you.

 

RELATING TO OTHERS

Taking time to understand your own style of communication is critical.  If your style is aggressive you may get what you want--for sure.  But what happens in the wake of your efforts may leave your plans shipwrecked; leaving you gasping for breath on the beach of destruction.   If you're passive, you deepest desires are marooned on an island no one can find.  Co-workers need your passion to set sail and your compassion when the ship is foundering.  Assertiveness is about finding that delicate balance without resorting to threats or walking out the door.  To practice assertiveness remember that your thoughts and feelings are equal in importance to everyone else regardless of your place on the org chart.

 

ADAPTING TO YOUR ENVIRONMENT

At home things can change just as fast as at the office.  Kids get sick and after-school plans change . Do you adapt?  The same applies to work.  It's your thoughts and beliefs that either help or hurt you in  these moments. Rapid change reveals the distortions in your beliefs. Rigidly clinging to "musts' and "have-tos" will bring you to your breaking point.  Stretching your perspective and allowing flexibility in a fast-paced and changing environment serves your goals more that clenched jaws and curled fists.

First, to achieve mental flexibility, begin after an upsetting event; write down the assumptions that made you so upset.  You say it was the other person that made you upset?  Start with that.  Begin to realize that your thoughts create your feelings.  It's a good news, bad news story.  While you create your feelings with your thoughts/beliefs; it means you are in control, but it also means you can't blame the other guy.

Second, flexibility benefits from novelty.  Creativity and out-of-the-box thinking allows for that leap in logic where others see only the same solution.  From the Six Thinking Hats of Edward de Bono to Seth Godin's Edgecraft described in his book, The Free Prize, seeing the possibility will lead you in the right direction.

 

Where do you lean on your emotional intelligence the most?  Home?  School?  Work?

AN ODE TO DISCIPLINE

 

 CHILDREN NEED YOU TO BE IN CHARGE

 And they need you to be involved.  The dilemma, you can't do one without the other.  Love seems like the easy part (most of the time) and discipline and structure seems like the chore.  What Dr. Silberman calls your caring and guiding roles.  It's easy to list the things your child needs from you as love, attention, support, understanding, help, your time.  It's not so automatic to think of the other role you play; discipline, guidance, rules, your values.

In his book, "When Your Child is Difficult", Dr. Silberman lists the reasons why you should feel empowered with being assertive and not shy away for taking on the "executive role" as a parent. 

 

PRACTICE

There are real benefits to your kids for taking up the challenge. Kids need practice hearing the word "no".  They need practice with tolerating their own feelings when they don't get what the want.  And they need practice doing things for others or for the good of the family even if they don't get any reward.  These things take practice.  And getting that practice when they're younger may not be easiest, but its more manageable .  Your child has less chance of having something go wrong when you're there to ensure they're safe.  If your child is practicing hearing the word "no" at 15 years old, the stakes just got higher.  You have less control over the outcomes when it's a teenager rather than a child.

 

APPRECIATION

Kids need to be appreciated.  If your child's behavior is disruptive or difficult and it's not addressed, they lose.  They lose other kid's appreciation and friendship and they lose other adults appreciation.  Children who consistently have a negative and unappreciative world reflected back to them are more at risk for developing an antisocial attitude.  Why not?, If everybody treats me badly, why should I treat them better?  This is not what you want your young teen to be telling themselves just as they're beginning to move out into the world.

 

SELF-RELIANCE

Kids need self-reliance.  They need to have their parents expect something from them and then be able to meet those expectations.  As kids grow their capacity to meet the demands of school, home, the playing field; they become less dependent on others to take care of them and build the self-reliance needed for adulthood.

 

Is discipline a struggle for you?  How do you balance the need for love and the need for guidance?

YOUR PARTNER'S BEST FRIEND

 

WISH IT WAS YOU?

If your partner has a best friend that's a good thing, right?  While women seem gifted with making friends, men often aren't and if he has one, shouldn't you support it?  It's a touchy question.  Among the various things that seem to make this true may include how we evolved as a species, our culture, and ethnic influences.  This research sheds light on how gender effects our response to stress.  When it's triggered in men, the "fight or flight" response appears to be favored while for women it looks more like "tend and befriend"  behavior.  A phrase first coined by Shelley E. Taylor, Ph.D.

 

NATURE OR NURTURE?

We are free to act differently than the culture's bias or our evolutionary tendencies.  As mentioned in Matt Ridley's book, "The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature" just because men are hard-wired for violence doesn't mean they have to kill.  It's also good to understand there are differences between the genders and it's possible and necessary to hold both concepts at the same time.  That both genders need to strive to achieve and maintain equality in our culture while science shows us we aren't the same.  Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation", talks about it from a linguistic point of view.  Men engage in conversation hard-wired for competitive signals while women are hard-wired with a focus on cooperation. 

An example would be when each gender comes to an intersection with a four-way stop sign.  When I am in that situation, I want to wave the other person through the intersection.  If a man is in the other car, he's also furiously attempting to wave me through.  I always have to smile realizing were both playing out the evolution of our genes--being waved through is a sign of submission--something we instinctively hate.  Women may instead be pleased with the offer to go first because their genes have placed a premium on cooperation.

 

THE FRIENDSHIP QUESTION

How one experiences friendship and what needs it fulfills may be bound up in our gender.  That we experience the world differently as a result of our gender, and that it will always mean our behavior will be different because of gender.  His friends help him define and maintain his masculinity and that's about gender, not sexual orientation.  Every man needs to feel comfortable about and freely express his masculinity.  If its ridiculed and devalued (or overindulged) there could be problems.  Having a healthy sense of his maleness, he's able to bring that richness to the relationship.  This will enhance the partnership just as women's femininity enlivens the male world with a wonder they don't fully experience alone (well, because they're male).

The research in the beginning of this post has a special message about women and their friends.  Women's identity is so interwoven with their primary relationships (read partner and kids) that it may be hard for them to take the time and deal with their own needs or manging their own stress caused by those relationships.  There may be few things more valuable to the women in your life, especially if one is your partner, than to help them find the space to cultivate those necessary relationships.

 

How do friendships shape your life?  Do gender differences exist?  Are they due more to culture?  Genes?

What's Good To Eat

BLACKENED SEARED TUNA STEAK WITH PICKLED RED ONION & WATERMELON SALAD

 

THE PLAN

It's Sunday and I want to try something new.  Bobby Flay had pickled red onions on one of his shows and I love blackened anything and so I put together a dish that was perfect for a weekend meal.  I mixed coca power, espresso beans and organic chili ancho powder and rubbed it on the tuna.  Seared it medium rare.  I then placed a bed of pickled red onions on the plate and topped it with small wedges of watermelon. 

 

THE TASTE

The crunch of the sear, the firmness of the tuna steak hmm that was good.  The mix of sour and sweet in the salad gave a nice zing in my mouth--simple.  Use olive oil or even sesame oil and play with how you want to blacken the fish.

I paired it with an inexpensive Bordeaux (2007 Chateau La Gaborie) because I love Bordeaux and had half of bottle in the frig.  Red or white doesn't matter- it's what you want that counts.

 

 

 

I decided not to spend the time to grill the watermelon and next time I won't forget to salt the fish  before I cook it and I'd use a hotter red pepper (cheyenne) next time.  As you can see I'm not really giving you a recipe here, dozens are out there, just giving you some ideas.

 

What are some of your ideas for Sunday meals?

 

ASK FOR IT!

 

What to do when you want something and it depends upon another person?  This isn't a problem when they agree to your request or stick to the plan.  When dealing with others, the goal is to be equal not either better than or less than the other person.  The official term is called assertiveness.  

 

THE EXPERTS

The most well known work on this topic is, "Your Perfect Right: A Guide To Assertive Living" by Robert E. Alberti & Michael Emmons.  The first edition was printed in 1970 with the ninth edition coming out in 2008. The premise though was presented several years before with the book, "I'm OK, You're OK", by Thomas A. Harris, MD.  The idea is that you have four positions when you relate to another person :

(1) I'm Not OK, You're OK, (2) I'm Not OK, You're Not OK, (3) I'm OK, You're Not OK, (4) I'm OK, You're OK

Assertive communication falls within the category of "I'm OK, You're OK".  That your beliefs, feelings, and behaviors are equal to the other person.

You're being aggressive when you decide that "You're OK" and the other person is "Not OK".  Here you feel it's acceptable to disregard the other person's beliefs, feelings, and behaviors.  That yours are superior.  Being aggressive often results in conflict, violence, and broken relationships.

The opposite is when you take a passive stance.  When you decide that "You're Not OK" and the other person is "OK".  Here you feel you can't stand up for yourself.  That it's acceptable for the other person to disregard your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.  That theirs are superior.  Being passive often results in chronic relationship dissatisfaction, conflict, violence.

The final position is that nobody is OK; that neither you or the other person deserve respect.  This position deserves its own post and we'll leave it there for now.

Typically, if you're using the aggressive strategy when trying to get what you want, you're almost always using the passive strategy--called passive-aggressive behavior.  You swing back and forth between "taking it" when others treat you like a door mat, then feeling you've earned the right to lash out and become aggressive. Usually, though the aggressiveness is "sneaky" and the other person may not even know you're angry with them (from stealing paper clips at work to slashing someones tires).

So the idea is that you respect the other person, explain what you want or why their behavior is upsetting and then request what you would prefer instead.  Sounds great right?  

 

DOES IT REALLY GET YOU ANYWHERE?

The above question is what you ask when you've tried to be assertive and have been laughed at, ignored, or in general failed to get what you want.  

You treat others with respect and resist judgemental attitudes for one reason.  For you.  While assertiveness isn't a secret weapon to get what you want, it's the way you respect yourself.  Respecting your feelings and beliefs and how you see the world in a unique and valued way.  Every time you think it isn't worth it to tell others what you think or feel; you're saying you don't count.  That you aren't important enough to count which is devastating to your sense of self.  Repeated enough, you'll find yourself defeated, depressed, and with no clear sense of who you are.  In the end it's you that must acknowledge your own worth and begin to expect others to treat you like an equal.  And to realize each person has the right to be equal to you.

What are your thoughts?  How hard is it to keep a sense of your own worth when others are not supporting you?

Lasso Your Thoughts & Wrangling Behaviors

If you've ever had to complete a long-term project (read years)--you already know what its like to have obsessive thoughts.  If you've trained for a marathon--you've engaged in compulsive behaviors.  And if you've been in love--you definitely experienced obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.  

That's not a problem.  Creating art and pursuing a love demands such focused and sustain efforts.  Your thoughts and behaviors are not always going to be pegged between such narrowly defined markers labeled "normal" if you're to achieve greatness.  

Or if you prefer you could say that normal is a wide range of thoughts and behavior with problems occurring only at the extreme ends of the continuum.  It's only when you experience significant discomfort or are disturbed by your own thoughts and behaviors (or others are so upset with your behavior it bothers you) that they become a problem.

Maybe your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are a deeply ingrained part of your personality. You feel better when you act on those thoughts and behaviors and generally they don't cause you much problem.  You've earned the stereotypical "neat freak" label because you're the one who always cleans the microwave and sink at work or color-code your socks

When your thoughts/behaviors fall into the category of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, they have moved significantly away for the usual behavior of those around you.  They also cause you real discomfort.  This may include extreme perfectionism, hoarding that has really become a problem, and being quite inflexible in many of your behaviors.  While difficult to change, being aware of the problem and exploring ways to strengthen your coping skills and trying new behaviors will help you limit some of its more negative side effects.  The goal is to take advantage of the benefits while limiting the negatives.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Is a more severe form of this condition.  Here individuals engage in time consuming or elaborate patterns of behavior that they realize are no longer logical or helpful.  Most importantly, the individual suffering this condition is unable to control these behaviors.  Specific behavioral therapies are useful in helping with this condition and there are medications that have been effective in alleviating its symptoms.

The goal is not to pathologize normal behavior, but also not to ignore real suffering or the help that's available.  Help that can bring you relief and increased quality of life.

When have you been obsessed with an idea?  Have you been so committed to goals you felt a compulsion to achieve them?