Relationship Glue

HOW TO ATTRACT A MATE

flickr: together in electric dreams vpvasqueza

If you're a man wanting a serious relationship with a woman, here's some things to consider. 

first don't pursue, attract.  Sure, you'll pursue plenty once you're both clealy attrated to each other.  In the meantime, you'll want to be attracting to find a satisfying relationship.

Second, get used to being the life of the party.  This is hard for a lot of guys, but not unreasonable for the woman you're attracting.  Be entertaining, interesting, funny, even cocky.  You'll be attractive and that's the point.  She's been hit on by every guy out there wanting to get lucky for a night.  She's there with her girlfriends trying to have fun.  If you help her enjoy herself and have some fun, you'll be plenty attractive.

Third is confidence.  Sounds like life of the party but isn't.  You can be very entertaining, but desperation and confidence don't mix and looks like open-mike night at Funny Bones.  The secret of confidence is practice, but practice will only get you halfway there.  Dozens of tries at open-mike will earn you a start at confidence even if you're not a comedian.  The rest of the way you'll have to walk alone in your own head.  What you believe about yourself and how you think about women will dictate your approach out there and with getting through the first couple dates.

Fourth, have a mind of your own.  Women know guys are nice to them to get a chance to touch them.  Nothing wrong with wanting to touch, but since everyone from creeps to princes are nice, it isn't a factor in deciding who gets to.  There's also nothing attractive when a guy's unable to say no to unreasonable requests or when the woman isn't sure what you wouldn't do.  We all want a real person with firm edges -- flexible -- not invisible boundaries.

Finally, live with some risk in your life.  This builds into being interesting, confidant, and knowing your own mind.  Test yourself -- know yourself.  Sure, sauntering into a club carrying your cycle helmet and talking about your last skydiving adventure works.  But having a talking part in the community play or pushing harder than you ever have in the last 20 seconds of that 5k you got talked into can be even better.  You'll have something to talk about and adversity of any kind always is an interesting story.

There you have it.  If you find paring up is hard, make a few adjustments and you'll be right in there with all the other couples in your circle.  Struggling and rejoicing in the mystery of couplehood.

What do you do when you find yourself alone and looking for love?

 

For more:  The Art of War for Dating and Dating Makes You Want To Die (but you have to dio it anyway).

. . . AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

punks in love Rheinkultur 2006 Rheinauen, Bonn

The hardest part of changing is accepting there' a problem.  You recognize your relationship has a problem but won't just start making changes.  Change is too hard for that.  Tell yourself that you'll have to deal with that someday.  You're raising children and recognize your relationship needs attention; and you'll deal with it . . . soon.  Your career is taking off and you're neglecting your partner, but you'll make it up to them as soon as you secure that next promotion.

Knowing something's wrong and finding the energy, focus, and drive to confront and change it -- that's a process not an event.  You become accustom to the idea your relationship has a problem, you become adjusted to the idea you must do something about it and, in time, you begin to make modest attempts at correcting things. You're still not there, you're still not actively committed to change, but you're getting closer.  Small attempts at change is part of the process of confronting the needed change.

Your dissatisfaction begins to rise.  You can't ignore the problem anymore; you've even tried to make changes.  Now finally, you see it as a "real problem" and your motivation to change has risen.  To keep yourself from accepting the problem as just the way things are, you need to make a conscious commitment to change.  This can include seeking support and publicly stating the changes you're planning to make.  Few real changes are made in secret.

There are no sure bets when it comes to changing relationships.  Two people are needed to make decisions work in a relationship, yet only one person is required to veto a decision. Making any relationship prone to problems.  Problems are normal and getting better at seeing them, confronting them, and finding  the motivation and commitment to resolving them will add stability to a risky proposition.

What do you find helpful in confronting rather than accepting relationship problems?