Acceptance is a funny thing.
Acceptance means you recognize these differences, even the differences that really matter (read hurt) and you still accept them. Not the doormat-across-my-forehead kind of acceptance. If there is a behavior you want changed, of course you should simply ask your partner to change.
But if it doesn't work, if no matter how much asking you do it seems the change is unable to happen, you may have a special challenge. It may be that part of your partner is something that they really can't change. That it's part of their personality which also seems to hit on your unique vulnerability. And it hurts! Sometimes, your partner's own vulnerabilities get stepped on by your differences in the same way which makes for a kind of mutual trap.
Each of you trying to change the other in an attempt to keep from getting hurt. While each of you are unable to make that change because it's a fundamental part of each of your personalities and to do so would also hurt.
When change leads to hurt, asking for more change isn't going to get the job done. At least not at first. Starting with the simple act of accepting that this is who your partner is; a part of them you hadn't known existed is real and valid, and yes it hurts you as well.
Maybe it was always there but it was't a difference that really made a difference. Or maybe like everyone else, you never saw in your beloved the thing that would cause trouble latter on--even if everyone else could. Or maybe it was just a difference that arrived, by chance or by situation, or as your partner changed through time.
No matter how this "difference" arose, this behavior or attitude is banging away at a vulnerability in you and you have to resit the urge to change it.
Acceptance means acknowledging and moving past blame and labeling. And by using softer talk and avoiding harsh judgements you begin to have a conversation that allowing both of you to see each other as you truly are.
Two people with differences (not just faults) who each have their own vulnerabilities (not just weaknesses) trying to understand one another, accept one another and then, finally, after this often times gut-wrenching work of acceptance, sometimes in therapy; you become two people who change and grow together.
Moving past staying together because it familiar and safe. Moving past staying together just because you're used to each other, and can put up with each other.
But because you have learned to deeply accept one another.
How have you pressed passed your incompatibilities and found acceptance with your partner?
