Relationship Glue

What To Do When You Can't Stand Something About Your Partner (part 1)

You think to your self, "Why didn't I catch this before I fell for this guy?"  Well, yeah that's a good question. I can't help you with that.  Okay if you really want to go there.  

 

The Development of Incompatibility between Partners

 

• Similarities and difference are both positive and make a potential partner attractive. However, over time some characteristics become the source of problems later in the relationship.

 

• Some similarities or differences that are appealing in the whirlwind of falling in love will reveal a darker and troubling side later in the relationship.

 

• Other traits (either similarities and differences) that aren't part of what attracted you, but were just part of your partner's personality, rise to the surface and become a problem in the relationship.

 

• No matter who you choose as a partner, the odds are that there will always be qualities that your partner has that simply don’t go well with your personality.
  

 

• Differences are more likely to cause conflicts. Many differences that aren't what attracted you to your partner are barely noticed during the courtship phase of your relationship.

 

• Early on in a relationship, these potential conflicts (differences or similarities) will not usually cause conflict.

 

Feel better? No, I didn't think so, we'll just have to figure this out. Look, usually you just sigh and find ways to accept differences.  Except when you can't. 

 

Now those are differences that make a difference because the cause real pain. Change may be needed, and this has nothing to do with abuse -- there's never a reason to accept abuse.  But barring abuse, start to see who that person really is and drop, just  bit, the accusations and labeling those differences as deficits; the frustrations that come from what you really want them to be instead of who they are.  Could it be the relationship deal breaker?  Maybe, and that can scare the crap out of you and maybe you'll want to just forget the whole thing.  Don't, dropping your illusions may lead you to real acceptance.

 

Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you, this part was not about you changing them; more like changing your perceptions about them, ouch. Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'm telling him the exact same thing.

 

More soon.

  

Hey check out Reconcilable Differences for a whole lot more.

HOW TO ATTRACT A MATE

flickr: together in electric dreams vpvasqueza

If you're a man wanting a serious relationship with a woman, here's some things to consider. 

first don't pursue, attract.  Sure, you'll pursue plenty once you're both clealy attrated to each other.  In the meantime, you'll want to be attracting to find a satisfying relationship.

Second, get used to being the life of the party.  This is hard for a lot of guys, but not unreasonable for the woman you're attracting.  Be entertaining, interesting, funny, even cocky.  You'll be attractive and that's the point.  She's been hit on by every guy out there wanting to get lucky for a night.  She's there with her girlfriends trying to have fun.  If you help her enjoy herself and have some fun, you'll be plenty attractive.

Third is confidence.  Sounds like life of the party but isn't.  You can be very entertaining, but desperation and confidence don't mix and looks like open-mike night at Funny Bones.  The secret of confidence is practice, but practice will only get you halfway there.  Dozens of tries at open-mike will earn you a start at confidence even if you're not a comedian.  The rest of the way you'll have to walk alone in your own head.  What you believe about yourself and how you think about women will dictate your approach out there and with getting through the first couple dates.

Fourth, have a mind of your own.  Women know guys are nice to them to get a chance to touch them.  Nothing wrong with wanting to touch, but since everyone from creeps to princes are nice, it isn't a factor in deciding who gets to.  There's also nothing attractive when a guy's unable to say no to unreasonable requests or when the woman isn't sure what you wouldn't do.  We all want a real person with firm edges -- flexible -- not invisible boundaries.

Finally, live with some risk in your life.  This builds into being interesting, confidant, and knowing your own mind.  Test yourself -- know yourself.  Sure, sauntering into a club carrying your cycle helmet and talking about your last skydiving adventure works.  But having a talking part in the community play or pushing harder than you ever have in the last 20 seconds of that 5k you got talked into can be even better.  You'll have something to talk about and adversity of any kind always is an interesting story.

There you have it.  If you find paring up is hard, make a few adjustments and you'll be right in there with all the other couples in your circle.  Struggling and rejoicing in the mystery of couplehood.

What do you do when you find yourself alone and looking for love?

 

For more:  The Art of War for Dating and Dating Makes You Want To Die (but you have to dio it anyway).

. . . AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

punks in love Rheinkultur 2006 Rheinauen, Bonn

The hardest part of changing is accepting there' a problem.  You recognize your relationship has a problem but won't just start making changes.  Change is too hard for that.  Tell yourself that you'll have to deal with that someday.  You're raising children and recognize your relationship needs attention; and you'll deal with it . . . soon.  Your career is taking off and you're neglecting your partner, but you'll make it up to them as soon as you secure that next promotion.

Knowing something's wrong and finding the energy, focus, and drive to confront and change it -- that's a process not an event.  You become accustom to the idea your relationship has a problem, you become adjusted to the idea you must do something about it and, in time, you begin to make modest attempts at correcting things. You're still not there, you're still not actively committed to change, but you're getting closer.  Small attempts at change is part of the process of confronting the needed change.

Your dissatisfaction begins to rise.  You can't ignore the problem anymore; you've even tried to make changes.  Now finally, you see it as a "real problem" and your motivation to change has risen.  To keep yourself from accepting the problem as just the way things are, you need to make a conscious commitment to change.  This can include seeking support and publicly stating the changes you're planning to make.  Few real changes are made in secret.

There are no sure bets when it comes to changing relationships.  Two people are needed to make decisions work in a relationship, yet only one person is required to veto a decision. Making any relationship prone to problems.  Problems are normal and getting better at seeing them, confronting them, and finding  the motivation and commitment to resolving them will add stability to a risky proposition.

What do you find helpful in confronting rather than accepting relationship problems?

I DON'T FEEL IT

photo credit: c.cainzos / flickr

What do you do when you don't feel in love anymore?

Recognize that like being out of shape or if you can't remember when you last changed the oil in your car, when you finally get around to confronting this fact; you've waited too long to ask the question.

Knowing you've lost the feeling is actually the second step in making a change.  Wondering, being dissatisfied, or plain unhappiness means you've stumbled out of the first stage of change. 

Blissful ignorance.  This initial stage can manifest itself as love that's unrequited, ignored, misunderstood, or unappreciated, but irregardless, you're not getting it.

And you can be the one dishing out this relational side trip or the recipient of this unfortunate bundle of "bliss".

Whether you're blissfully under appreciating your lover or the one feeling misunderstood; unless you can begin to recognize it's a problem--starting to consider all is not right, things won't be changing anytime soon.

Feeling ignored by the one you love isn't the same thing as being aware of a problem either.  Think back to how many times you've accepted less love or commitment in a relationship as, "just the way it is"; or "the kids need to be the focus right now."?

Knowing that a relationship has lost its feeling and beginning to confront the problem are two different things.  There's a real and formidable gap to bridge between "knowing" something's missing in your relationship and having built the motivation to change it.

In fact, this gap--knowing that it even exists, is the real key to changing it.  Your brain wants harmony and your mind will work overtime to quell disharmony to the point of even changing what you tell yourself about what's happening.  The technical term is cognitive dissonance and believe me, you don't like it.

The next post will talk more about this phenomenon and ways to pull yourself out of the quicksand.

A NEW LOOK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPLITTING INTO THREE BLOGS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help readers in focusing on what they may be interested in, I'm dividing my wide ranging interests into three separate blogs . . .

 This blog your reading will now be titled, Relationship Glue.  The focus here is on romance, love, and passion--how it binds people together to create a new project in their lives.  Why passion is a meaningful life; both its creative and destructive power.  The domain name will remain the same for now (darrenwlovesblog.com), but in the coming weeks I'll be investigating a change to glueblog.net.

 

 

 

This blog is titled, The Analyzed Capitalist, and will focus on professional development, executive coaching and exploring executive psychotherapy and the psychodynamics of executive life. 

Check out: tacblog.net

 

 

 

This blog is titled, Quiet Creatives, and will explore the task of making meaning through the act of creating.  Why creativity and solitude are intertwined--the life of the creative and the path of the quiet life.

 Check out: creativesblog.net

 

Is narrowing down and dividing up a good idea?  Look forward to sharing and hearing from you.

 

ENDING RELATIONSHIPS WELL

Dr. Helen Fisher's book, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" sheds light on what happens when love ends.  Here I mix my thoughts and her research to talk about the down side of romance--when it ends.

 

ROMANTIC LOVE'S DEMISE--HEARTBREAK

 

In one study, 93% of the respondents said someone they passionately loved has rejected them.

 

• Rejected partners yearn for reunion. 

• Rage occurs when all has failed and the realization begins that there is no hope in getting the former lover back.

• It appears that to break the strong attachment to your beloved, at some point you must go through a phase of "hating" them.

• Once the attachment is broken, a sense of despair and emptiness pervades for a time.

• Eventually, you begin to accept this new circumstance and are now available emotionally to look at other possible partners.

• In time, when a new love has entered your life, you may be able to look back without pain.  But without a new love, you will often have a sense of nostalgia and sadness whaen looking back on the relationship--the risks of love.

• It is a death. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

GETTING OVER LOVE

• Remove everything about the former lover from your life.

• Don't call or write under any circumstance.

• Practice mental relaxation. And use self-affirmations.  Allow yourself to become relaxed and state positive things about yourself and your future even if they have not occurred yet.  "I will be dating a great person and I will enjoy the attention they give me".

• Practice visualization.  Imagine and fantasize about someone who adores you and appreciates you.  See the ideal person in you life and enjoying your life with them.

• Your former lover is in your brain and you are now trying to replace them with a new image and new expectations with these tools.

• Carefully write down all the things that your former love did that was wrong and hurtful.  Write out all their bad habits and traits.  Keep it with you and review it when you begin to get nostalgic about them.  You are not remembering things as they were but in an idealized way.  Ground yourself in reality.

• Conduct a ritual.  Burning letters, or burying something that respresented the relationship.  A ritual formalizes your actions and strengthens your commitment to move forward.

• Stay busy.  Force yourself.  Distract yourself and get involved in activities even if you don't feel like it.

• Be willing to do novel things.  Try something new and unexpected.  It will help to change brain chemistry in positive ways.

• List the things you appreciate daily.

• Smile--the muscles for smiling trigger feelings of pleasure.

• Seek out sunlight.

• Exercise daily if you can.

• Beware of the food and drugs that can be hard on your body.  Your body is under stress.

 

See  Dr. Helen Fisher's book, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" for many more insights into love and its loss.

 

How have you ended relationships well?

GOOD COMMUNICATION MAKES GOOD BOUNDARIES

 

      “No" is a complete sentence.” --Anne Lamott

Today's a good day to remember how to keep what you've got--A good dating relationship or long-term partnership.  And Dr. Deborah Tannen has just the right balance of research and provocative antidotes in her two famous tomes, "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" and "You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation".  With ample examples from each, I'll tangle with ways relationships go wrong with hints on how to keep them on the right track.

 

COMMUNICATION

• As kids we learn the gender differences in communication: “genderlects”

• Female differences include “rapport-talk” which focuses on strengthening social connections and emotional bonds.

• Male differences include “report-talk” which focuses on giving and receiving information and less on emotional connections.

• Misunderstandings occur when these basic assumptions about the differences in gender in communication gets forgotten or confused.

• Men speak less, but speak more often in public about public topics.  They often dominate public conversations.

• Women speak more, but speak more in private settings and dominate private conversations in their relationships and conversations about relationships.

• Men and women often use conversation for different purposes.  Is this because of Biology? Culture?  This is the “Nature vs. Nurture debate that has been argued for hundreds of years.  There’s evidence for both sides.

Men are often concerned about status so speaking in public, even if a female may know more about a subject, can be more about not looking inferior.

• Why men often won’t ask for directions.  Not knowing means being inferior.

• Why men may sit across from each other in an intersection waving for the other to go first.  Status means to be the one who doesn’t submit—go first.

• Women are often concerned about relationships and accommodate them.  This means women often defer their interest or opinions in a conversation.

• Women may not interrupt in a conversation as often as men for these reasons.

Along with gender, there are cultural and family-of-origin differences as well.  Understand that the way you communicate can confuse and even be upsetting to others with different communication styles.

• Loud vs. Soft

• Pausing vs. Rapid

• Fast vs. Slow

• Changing Tone vs. Even Tone

• Emotional vs. Monotone

• Interrupting vs. Waiting

• Questions: Showing Interest vs. Interrogation

• Complaining: Solidarity vs. Bad Form

• Self-Revelation:  “First Me, Then You” vs. Not Playing Along

You might try and preserve a relationship by being indirect.  To maintain positive feelings and to avoid confrontation.  As long as the other person understands you are being indirect for these purposes.  Being direct may be necessary, but it can also just be mean and hurtful.  Conversations aren’t nearly as simple as they seem to be.

You may attempt to change the other person’s style by doing the opposite of what you find unpleasant.  If they talk too loud you try and talk softer.  Of course, they are trying to do the same thing; they are talking louder and louder as you are talking softer and softer! 

Often the response is that the other person is crazy or that they are not understandable.  What is happening is that you are trying to understand each other from your own communication style.  It is important to understand that culture, gender, and upbringing can all impact the way someone gives and receives communication.

 

BOUNDARIES

• Boundaries are like rules.  Any institution like a university, theatre, your local gym has rules.  They value the physical space itself and the atmosphere they're trying to create for their clients and customers.

• Recognizing and enforcing you own boundaries means you respect yourself.  You respect your physical body and you respect the environment you want to create for yourself.

• Not everyone will want to respect you.  Some won’t respect your body.  From ridiculing you choice of dress or your physique to making fun of your efforts at improvement.  Others may violate more serious rules like not honoring your requests regarding physical intimacy to physical assault.

• It's up to you to value you as a person.  To know it’s you who creates the environment around you and that you have the right to say who is in your life.

• When someone is inappropriate in a museum, they are typically warned.  If the misbehavior continues, they are asked to leave.   Likewise, you'll need to get used to knowing your own rules, warning those who violate them, and then being prepared to ask them to leave your life if they choose not to refrain from inappropriate behavior.

• And it's appropriate behavior that's the focus.  Some fear having expectations is arrogant.  That asking for a minimum level of behavior is unreasonable.  Boundaries are reasonable and normal.

Some examples to consider when dating and seeking a relationship:

• The person I date must be unattached--meaning you're not married or already have a partner

• My life's direction and plans are important.  I won't put my life on hold for your dysfunctions

• I expect to be treated with respect, kindness and trust.  And I'll do the same.

• I will date with the future in mind.  I expect you to do so as well.

• I expect my relationships to have equality.  But I control my life.

• I expect my romantic relationships to be mutually satisfying and healthy.

• I value honesty and without that there's no real relationship.

• I will demonstrate my own value in a relationship; if you reject me you'll have increasingly less time available to change your mind.

• I can't fix someone else.  You must be present and capable of participating in a relationship.

Take time this week and examine Dr. Tannen's books: "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" and "You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation".

How has your conversation changed as you've gotten to know your partner?  How have boundaries improved your relationships?

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE LONG HAUL

 

 Relationships are often the result of dating.  For many that's the driving goal.  Once there, it can be another story if left unattended.  My take on this as several books help clear the path.  "Falling In Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose" by Ayala Malach-Pines and, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" by Helen Fisher are two that I find both detailed and clear when it comes to explaining dating and partnerships.


DR. KELLER GLEANS RESEARCH ON

 

Keeping Romance Alive:

• Do novel things together - variety, variety, variety.

• Sexual intimacy.

• Review antidepressant medication.

• Be gender-specific - face-to-face (female) vs. side-by-side (male).

• Space or time apart increases anticipation and pleasure of the reward (to a point).

• Date and stay romantic.

Making yourself fall in love:

• Do novel and exciting things together.

• Banish other romantic distractions.

• Open yourself up to love.

Making a relationship last:

• Novelty.

• Commit to one another.

• Have engaging life projects - keep growing intellectually.

• Regular sexual intimacy.

• Listen to each other: Ask questions--Give answers.

• Appreciate one another.

• Stay attractive.

• For men, include your partner.

• For women, give him space.

• Be honest and trustworthy.

• Tell your mate what you need.

• Accept your mate's shortcomings

• Be respectful.

• Mind your manners.

• Have a sense of humor and use it.

• Compromise.

• Argue constructively.

• Never threaten to depart.

• Forget the past.

• Avoid affairs.

• Don't assume the relationship will last forever.

• Build and work on the relationship every day.

• Take relationship problems as a chance to grow.

DR. AYALA MALACH-PINES DELVES INTO RESEARCH & THEORY

 

Trying again--How to make use of past long-term relationships in the next one.

• Intimate relationships can be the best way to help resolve childhood issues and create meaning for your life. So even if you’ve been in a long-term relationship and it has ended, it doesn’t mean you can never be in another one.

• Your old relationship gives you a chance to see where you’ve grown and how you might change things in your new relationship.

• The choice to fall in love is unconscious/unintentional and so is often illogical/emotional.  The reasoning part of the brain is called the cerebral cortex-the outer most layer of the brain; and falling in love is decided by the limbic system—where emotions rule in the deeper parts of the brain.  

• While illogical and emotional; the choice does seem purposeful in that it provides you a partner best suited to deal with your own obstacles to growth.

• However, the risk is that the first thing that attracts you to your partner may be the thing that causes the most problems later on. 

 

Here are some examples:

• Attraction:  He pursued you and you felt desirable. 
• Problem:     You feel smothered and can’t breathe.

• Attraction:  She was perfect and your ideal in a partner.
• Problem:     You never get the feeling she desires me.

• Attraction:  You always felt secure with him.
• Problem:     He is boring.

• Attraction:  She has a mysterious air about her.
• Problem:     She isn’t really there; no emotional intimacy.

• Attraction:  He was ambitions and looked to be a success.
• Problem:    He’s gone all the time on business; never home.

• Attraction: She looked to be a great homemaker.
• Problem:    She is not exciting; no interest outside the home.

• Attraction: He looks to be very easy-going.
• Problem:    He won’t stand up for himself.

• Attraction: She was energetic, very active and exciting.
• Problem:    She blow up over little things; has temper tantrums.

• Attraction: He was very smart and assertive man.
• Problem:    He makes me feel incompetent and stupid.

• Attraction: She respects me and you feel appreciated.
• Problem:    She is insecure and blames me for everything.

 

• Obviously, the attraction is meeting a need in your own life.  When you’ve begun to grow in that area, you may no longer need what it was about them that attracted you.  Now, the trait feels more like a problem than something positive and you’re at risk for relationship burnout.

• Some may fall in love, start a long-term relationship, get married and never feel the need to end the relationship.  Others find themselves repeating the process over and over again—recognizing they’re repeating the same pattern in their relationships.

• Sometimes, in an effort to not repeat the same pattern, you may try to find the opposite kind of person.  If in the past your partner was demanding and controlling, you’ll chose someone who is laid back and is indecisive.  Unfortunately, this opposite is just the other side of the same coin and you’re faced with a similar dilemma.

• By recognizing the issue resides within you, you can begin to address it and see your partner as the individual –flawed and imperfect—and not as a projection of your childhood experiences or own self-image.  As you learn to accept yourself, you begin to accept your partner as well.

• This doesn’t mean you must stay in your relationship.  You can leave a relationship for any reason in most states.  And no family court in the county is going force you to stay married to your partner if you don’t want to be married anymore.

• My role as a mental health professional is not to put a value judgment on your decision to stay or leave.  But to help you look at the risks and benefits of your decisions and support you in moving in directions you feel are in line with your values.

• The fact is that making long-term commitments usually involve investment of time, energy, and resources.  And each time you end and begin again in a long-term relationship, you have costs emotionally and physically; and at times in terms of opportunities. 

• Most people recognize this and don’t typically even acknowledge their desire to leave a marriage or other long-term relationship unless they’ve become quite unhappy.

 

Make sure you read "Falling In Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose" by Ayala Malach-Pines and, "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" by Helen Fisher for solid information, research, and theory on falling in love and relationships.

 

What part have you played in your relationship successes?  Failures?

DATING IS NECESSARY

Some dating thoughs that mingle mine and those from this part funny, sometimes irreverent, and often spot on book about dating, "Dating Makes You Want to Die: But You Have to Do It Anyway" by Daniel Holloway & Dorothy Robinson.  The title itself gets you to open the book, but the snark and the truth keep you reading.

 

BEING SINGLE

• Being single is okay when you're supposed to be single--in your twenties.  Getting out from under parents, going to college, the military, or starting a full-time real job is just the beginning.  The time for finding love and settling down and getting married is still in the twenties and has only increased a couple of years in the past thirty years.

• It's less okay when you're in your thirties because you realize everyone else is not single anymore.  Your friends won't stay out late anymore and you find yourself the 3rd or 5th at every get together.  You notice the conversation is about baby food, or diaper delivery.

• It's definitely not okay in your forties where all your old friends are a distant memory and all you get is suspicious glances from other 40-year-olds pushing miniature plastic race cars around in the grocery store while you're humming along with just a basket; or worse yet with a jug of milk in one hand a magazine in the other.

• Kidding of course, but anytime you swim upstream from cultural norms you'll start to feel uncomfortable. And the cultural norm is to be married.  But that doesn't mean its wrong.  43% of all American adults are currently single.  22% of all American adults will never marry. 78% of all American adults will get married.  25% all American adults will divorce at least once (which is about 33% of all married adults).  There are nearly 200 million adults in the US; so get dating!

MAKING CONTACT

• Eyes - catch someone looking at you?  If you are interested, hold their gaze briefly and smile.  Let them know you're interested too.

• Touching - If someone is comfortable enough to touch, they like you at least a little.  It takes time and trust to shrink personal space, but a touch is a good sign.

• Laughing - This also means good.  If someone is laughing at your jokes--they're into you.

WARNING SIGNS THAT FIRST CONTACT ISN'T GOING WELL

• Your at party and they end the conversation.  Not a good sign, but you can wait and try again later.  If it happens again, they're not interested.

• They drift away while at a gathering - this may mean they have to attend to other friends/family.  But if they never return, they're not interested.

• They won't give out their phone number.  People give out their phone number to people they like.  If you don't get their number, they don't like you.

EYE TO EYE

• Restaurant not coffee.  Unless it's an online dating contact, no coffee first dates.  Coffee isn't dating, it's seeing if he's a serial killer.  And yes, you're the man and you're buying.  Get over it. 

• Culture is changing, but not completely; and not before you get too old that dating won't matter anymore--meaning for the next 50 years at least.  So just accept that the polite and mature thing is to pick up the tab on the first date if you're the man.

 
WHERE TO FIND A DATE

• Friend's parties.  You know your friend and they know you.  Trust they'll have a good mix and that you might get to know someone new.

• After work.  If your work mates have nothing better to do than to hang out after work, then you can be sure they are (mostly) single.  Coffee, a beer, or ice tea; finding singles at work is a place to start.  You often will find singles from other employers hanging out at these water holes as well.

• Sports.  Church leagues, work leagues, community leagues.  Bowling, golf, softball, pool.  There are other singles there and you're all doing something fun.

•  Weddings.  Obvious isn't it?  Everyone looks nice, a party is about to begin, and lots of other singles there too.

• Night School.  Grad school, community college, extension classes at your old high school.  All of these are putting similar people together with similar interests.  Some are single.  See after work for more clues. 

• Blind dates.  Being Zen is helpful on these excursions; want nothing be in the moment, desire is an illusion.  With this in mind, you might be pleasantly surprised.

 

INTERNET

• Internet.  There are two big areas here. Meetup and dating networks.  Meetup.com is a wonderful site that promotes people getting together offline by using the Internet to find one another.  The Toledo area has many Meetup groups that have a wide range of interests.  Some are focused on singles and having fun.  It is not a dating site, but you can join groups with structured activities with the goal of having fun.  That's a start.

• Online Dating.  This can range from Craigslist that has no structure or oversight where even illegal activities are advertised to eHarmony where the procedure is tightly controlled, hundreds of questions to be answered, and marriage must be your goal. 

• Fee-based sites/do-it-yourself.  Match is the granddaddy of these types of sites.  The idea behind pay sites is that at least those serious about getting a date are willing to pay.  You sort through the profiles on your own.

• Fee-based sites/we-do-all-the-work-for-you sites.  Chemistry and eHarmony are the big players here.  They use psychological instruments to place you in categories and match you up with those who are similar.  Chemestry.com uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and eHarmony is secretive about their own proprietary version.  You should know that eHarmony has struggled to give gays and lesbians a chance at their system.  They've agreed to have a separate site that they will now link to eharmony site.

• Free Sites.  OKCupid and Plenty of Fish are a couple of the better known sites.  The fear is that it's the wild west, but even  Match.com was involved in a federal lawsuit so buyer beware free or not.

 
AFTER A FEW DATES

•  Some decisions will have to be made. 

• First up you'll need to start dropping barriers.   Maybe your childhood, or college days.  You're not getting closer unless you know more about each other.  But this shouldn't be a confessional or a therapy session.  Revealing you troubled past or dark fears may be a bit too much right now.

• Avoid talking about dysfunctional relatives, or your parent's marital problems.

• Ex-talk is dangerous. Avoid if you can.  Move the conversation to something you'll both enjoy and won't regret later. 

• Your date may really want to hear about your ex's, but it'll be like slowing down to look at a car wreak.  They'll know they shouldn't, but they can't help it.  And now they'll never get those images out of their mind. 

• If you've gotten this far, it means you have a bit more than superficial interest.  And they seem to be feeling it too.

 
FROM "YOU & ME TO "WE & US"

• So without realizing it you've become a couple in a relationship.  If you're washing their dishes or spakiling a hole in the bathroom wall; you;ve reached that point.  If you didn't know it you will when they intorduce you as their girlfriend/boyfriend.  Be prepared.

• Meeting the parents.  Remember, their parents know more about your partner than you do and are just happy they're happy

 

SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISN'T HEADING FOR MARRIAGE

• You don't touch anymore.

• Texting and phone calls dwindle.

• You're fighting--a lot.

•  If you’re thinking of marriage, the engaement is as good as it gets.  It will only get harder with marriage, work, children, and all the responsibilities of life together.  So if you’re struggling, see someone who can help you lean ways to communicate, fight fair, and problem solve.  If that doesn't work, be careful about your next step in the relationship.

• Know when to call it quits.  Be prepared to end it before you tie the knot and you'll save yourself a bigger struggle later on.

• Have a little class when you break up.  First tell them.  Don't let them slowly twist in the wind of your dissatisfaction and feigned interest in them.  If it's over for you, then end it.  It requires the courage of a Roman Legion, but do it.

• Tell them in person.  Give yourself a few days apart before you do this.  Do not end the relationship in either of your apartments.  Or in a place where you can't gracefully get up if things become ugly, and walk out and exit safely.

• No one wants to go through the agony of breaking up, but if you are going to date, you will.  You recognize you'll need time to hurt and make sure you get the support you need and then move on as best you can.

Be sure to check out, "Dating Makes You Want to Die: But You Have to Do It Anyway" by Daniel Holloway & Dorothy Robinson for more on dating and suriving as a single at any age!

 

Where has dating taken you so far in 2012?

ROMANCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

Below I've gleaned a few things from a great resource on how to bring romance into your relationship "1001 Ways to Be Romantic" by Gregory Godek.  A great read and a worthwhile investment in your love relationship!

 

SOME DEFINITIONS

Romantic love - is the desire for emotional and physical intimacy with another person.  The attraction and desire that's filled with excitement and mystery for someone.

To be romantic is to bring these kinds of feelings into the relationship.  Helping to remind the one you love that what you have can be at times, extraordinary.  Even though relationships have burdens it is possible to enjoy the excitement and mystery of loving the one your with.

Any long-term relationship there is routine, boredom, and disappointment.  How can there not?  Allowing yourself to take your intimate partner for granted puts the relationship at risk and leads to further dissatisfaction. By creating romance you remind one another the passion you can have for each other.

Romance is what makes your intimate partner different from your first family relationships (parents, siblings) and your relationships with your friends or children.

Being romantic is available to anyone even if you don't know how, or feel you can't, or have simply lost hope of every having it again.

 

WHAT ROMANCE IS NOT

Romance is not counseling.  Garbage, dishes, and laundry are not romantic.  Yet no romance is possible when basic commitments are not honored.  Know the duties of shared living and take time to make the agreements that make living together possible.

Romance is not able to produce feelings that were never there or have long since died out.  It is based on attraction and desire already established and positive feelings having been nurtured at some level.

Cards, Candy, & Flowers.  These are only the most basic of tools of the romantic.  Cards and the other tokens of love must always be given on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and meeting that requirement is not being romantic.  That is the bare minimum behavior if you ever want to foster affection in your mate.  Forgetting these are like forgetting to pick up the children from the school!

 

ROMANTIC IDEAS 

Demonstrate passion by taking what you'd normally do and make it extraordinary. 

This takes some creativity and with some thought you can do it.  This means you don't have to reinvent your romantic ideas from scratch.  You can add something extra, make it different, and it moves from an ordinary token of love to an extraordinary, big, creative romantic gesture.

It doesn't mean elaborate or expensive, but it can be.  If you want to fly roundtrip to Paris just to have lunch--wow!  That's romantic!  But you can also just do what Gregory Godek shares in his book, "1001 Ways to be romantic":  Give your lover a dozen roses--and do it with a creative twist.  Give eleven red roses and one white rose.  Attach a note reads, "In every bunch there's one who stands out--that's you". 

 

TEN IDEAS FROM "1001 WAYS TO BE ROMANTIC"

• Make a BIG card--out of an appliance box.

• Fake a power outage 9throw the breaker) with no TV, computer, or furnace, you'll have no distractions and can enjoy candles fireplace and cuddling.

• Long-stemmed chocolate roses

• Buy the entire product line of your partner's favorite fragrance: soaps, crèmes, candles, perfume.

• Be prepared by creating a gift drawer--guy gifts ahead of time.  On sale, off-season, discounted quantities, and just on a whim.  Now you are prepared!

• Create romantic to-do checklists: Daily (kisses, complements, 20 min. uninterrupted time together), Weekly (small unexpected gift, two insights you learned this week, one little love note), Monthly (one romantic surprise, restock gift card stash, rent two romantic movies), and Yearly (plan next anniversary, think of unusual ways to celebrate partners birthday, make plans for next Valentines Day in advance).

• Consider gift-of-the-month clubs:  Beer, Romantic restaurant, New Ice Cream Flavor, Stuffed Animal, Back Rub; you get the idea.

• Women can send flowers to their partner at work.

• Practice "telepathy romance".  When apart, agree to stop and think of each other at the same time for one uninterrupted minute.

• Go outside in the morning and warm up her car.

 

What all this really means is that to stave off normal boredom and disappointment of everyday life together, you must intentionally work hard at your love relationship and make it an important priority in your life. 

The metaphor of a plant is useful here.  It needs sunshine; water, nutrients, and warmth, or it may die.  It might not; it may just look weak and withered.  Or it could die.  And once dead, it may be simply impossible to make it live again no mater how much you want it to. 

Relationships are alive and need your care because once they die; they rarely come back to life.  It's up to you to prevent this and romance is a start.

 

How has someone created romance in you life?