Relationship Glue

WHAT KEEPS MOST OF US HUDDLED AROUND THE FIRE OF FAMILIARITY? PART TWO

 

flicker: Micky Zlimen

 

Acceptance is a funny thing.

 Acceptance means you recognize these differences, even the differences that really matter (read hurt) and you still accept them.  Not the doormat-across-my-forehead kind of acceptance.  If there is a behavior you want changed, of course you should simply ask your partner to change. 

But if it doesn't work, if no matter how much asking you do it seems the change is unable to happen, you may have a special challenge.  It may be that part of your partner is something that they really can't change.  That it's part of their personality which also seems to hit on your unique vulnerability.  And it hurts!  Sometimes, your partner's own vulnerabilities get stepped on by your differences in the same way which makes for a kind of mutual trap.

Each of you trying to change the other in an attempt to keep from getting hurt.  While each of you are unable to make that change because it's a fundamental part of each of your personalities and to do so would also hurt.

When change leads to hurt, asking for more change isn't going to get the job done.  At least not at first.  Starting with the simple act of accepting that this is who your partner is; a part of them you hadn't known existed is real and valid, and yes it hurts you as well.

Maybe it was always there but it was't a difference that really made a difference.  Or maybe like everyone else, you never saw in your beloved the thing that would cause trouble latter on--even if everyone else could.  Or maybe it was just a difference that arrived, by chance or by situation, or as your partner changed through time.

No matter how this "difference" arose, this behavior or attitude is banging away at a vulnerability in you and you have to resit the urge to change it.

Acceptance means acknowledging and moving past blame and labeling.  And by using softer talk and avoiding harsh judgements you begin to have a conversation that allowing both of you to see each other as you truly are.  

Two people with differences (not just faults) who each have their own vulnerabilities (not just weaknesses) trying to understand one another, accept one another and then, finally, after this often times gut-wrenching work of acceptance, sometimes in therapy; you become two people who change and grow together. 

Moving past staying together because it familiar and safe.  Moving past staying together just because you're used to each other, and can put up with each other.

But because you have learned to deeply accept one another.

 

How have you pressed passed your incompatibilities and found acceptance with your partner?

WHAT KEEPS MOST OF US HUDDLED AROUND THE FIRE OF FAMILIARITY? PART ONE

flickr: SophieSchieli

 

Its warmth and light; staving off the unknown darkness in the chaotic world.

Don’t get me wrong, familiarity is, in the end, a good thing, but if you remove all the unknowns in life, well too much of a good thing can even lead to homicide.

It’s Spring and I’m looking forward to the return of the hummingbirds.  It’s amazing to watch them seemingly float as they sip nectar from the feeder attached to the deck.  But watch out if an interloper arrives trying to steal some sugar from someone else’s territory.  they fight furiously; dive bombing each other into submission.  It seems they don't like sharing.

Growing used to your partner's differences isn't the same thing as being accepting of them.  Compatibility is about the level of meaningful differences between the two of you.  And for a lot of reasons, you will almost always find some incompatibilities between you and your partner.  The problem occurs when you “put up with” rather than "accept" your partner’s behavior.

flickr: Cayobo

As I was growing up, you would get something called S&H Green Stamps when buying food at grocery stores and when filling up at gas stations.  These stamps would have a numerical value on them which you would then lick and place in books.  When you had enough books saved up, you could then go through a catalog they had available and pick items you'd want based on how many books you had to redeem.

Putting up with differences that really matter in your partner is a lot like redeeming S&H Green Stamps.  When you feel you've put up with enough, you feel you've earned the right to "let them have it!".  The problem with that, of course, is that the intensity at which you express your displeasure is based on how much you've saved up and not in proportion to the last situation that triggered your outburst.  You look crazy or at least unreasonable and things get worse.

 “Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown."
(Narcotics Anonymous Book/page 33)
― Narcotics Anonymous

goodreads.com/quotes

 

In what ways do you hold on to the unhealthy familiar?  How have you been successful in letting go?

A NEW LOOK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SPLITTING INTO THREE BLOGS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To help readers in focusing on what they may be interested in, I'm dividing my wide ranging interests into three separate blogs . . .

 This blog your reading will now be titled, Relationship Glue.  The focus here is on romance, love, and passion--how it binds people together to create a new project in their lives.  Why passion is a meaningful life; both its creative and destructive power.  The domain name will remain the same for now (darrenwlovesblog.com), but in the coming weeks I'll be investigating a change to glueblog.net.

 

 

 

This blog is titled, The Analyzed Capitalist, and will focus on professional development, executive coaching and exploring executive psychotherapy and the psychodynamics of executive life. 

Check out: tacblog.net

 

 

 

This blog is titled, Quiet Creatives, and will explore the task of making meaning through the act of creating.  Why creativity and solitude are intertwined--the life of the creative and the path of the quiet life.

 Check out: creativesblog.net

 

Is narrowing down and dividing up a good idea?  Look forward to sharing and hearing from you.

 

HARD WORK DOESN'T MATTER

You know that old saw, "You working hard or hardly working?"  It pays homage to the fact that the  universe doesn't care about you--or anyone else really.

So what can you do; If nothing matters?  I suppose it's up to you if you want to matter in this life.  You could choose ease and pleasure.  Who's to stop you?  You get to choose right? 

It'll be you because you won't feel content with yourself.  You won't have felt enough hard work was done; have made enough meaning with the time you've spent; and you won't get that sense of accomplishment.

Remember, there is no meaning unless you give it meaning.  And you won't feel content until you work hard in service of your values.

Working hard doesn't matter.  It's not the work.  It's consciously giving meaning to the effort--serving values you can cherish.

Being mindful, knowing what you value, facing the meaning crisis when it comes; allow these things to work in service of making meaning in your life. 

Only then comes the hard work.  The effort needed to keep meaning going in your life.  That's when hard work feels right.  You are making meaning with your life again.

 

Where are you working hard today?  How is the meaning in your life shaping the hard work you do?

SUPPORT YOUR CHANGES

I had the chance to sit down with Rebecca Regnier, The host of Full Plate and former anchor of Good Morning along with her cameraman Brian at my office over at Court Diagnostic & Treatment Center.  She wanted to talk about how support from others plays a role when you're making changes in your life.  She will be airing several segments on making changes at 13abc starting next week and after the new year.  She has just finished writing a new book, Your Twitter Diet: How I Used Twitter to Lose 20 Pounds & You Can Too!  that looks at social media and the power of the group when making changes.  Here are some of the thoughts I shared with her.

 

WHERE DO YOU BEGIN?

To change you need to recognize the gap between where you are and where you want to be.  Be it your health, finances, or relationships.  That gap is your motivation to make the decision to change and start planning how you’ll go about it.  Planning is how you’ll succeed and an important part of that plan is support.  While you’ll need to know exactly what steps to take to achieve your goal and what the barriers and challenges will look like, it’s key to choose the right type of person to support you.

 

WHO WILL STAND BEHIND YOU?

They’ll need to be those you love–like family members; or who actively care about you–like friends who really know you; and those you respect–like members of a support group or colleagues.  Just announcing your plan to supportive individuals builds motivation for you to carry through–now it seems real and they can celebrate with your success and encourage you during difficult challenges or setbacks that are a normal part of the change process.

 

WILL YOU MAKE IT THROUGH?

But that’s not enough.  You’ll need to find a way to make your support part of you change plan. to help you accountable.  For example, you could give a friend a meaningful sum of money in the beginning.  If you fail to achieve your overall goal, they can send it to an organization you hate; that’s strong motivation!  Of course they’re also there to remind you of why you’re making this change and cheering you on to success.

 

CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN?

Not everything you want to change has the same level of difficulty–and support form others won’t change that.  But it’s possible to change your behavior and with motivation and encouragement form others these tasks are more likely to succeed.

How have you succeeded with making changes in your life?  What kind of support do you find helpful?

 

Keep an eye next week on 13abc for more on Rebecca’s new book and her segments about making life changes in the new year.

 

DO YOU HAVE A MIRACLE QUESTION?

 

WHAT IF . . .

after having fallen sleep tonight, a miracle happened and the problem you've been struggling with disappeared.  It no longer exists.  However, when you awaken you don't know this miracle has happened.  So, how will you first begin to tell that the problem no longer exists.  How will it not show up in your life?  What will be there instead?  This miracle allows you to begin to riff on possibilities not the impossibilities of your problem.

The miracle question.  A simple and and elegant way to begin to shift your mindset and focus on solutions. That shift in focus is the miracle itself.  This theory of helping (solution-focused brief therapy) believes that when you're having a problem you'll tend to keep repeating the same solution over and over.  You'll change it up some; how often you attempt your solution, how intensely you apply that solution, or maybe how long you'll put that solution to work.  But in the end it's the same solution only implemented differently.  Which is being "stuck".

A concrete example of being stuck and repeating the "solution" would be if a window jam had been painted over and you wanted to get it unstuck and begin to enjoy the fresh fall air on a sunny weekend afternoon.  You might grab a screwdriver and attempt to work it into the side of the widow and frame and give a little pull.  You hear the cracking of wood and some paint begins to flake off and fall on the sill.  Well, something's happening right?  It's not opening, but something "moved"  So, let's try it a little more.  Soon out comes a hammer just to work the blade a little deeper into the crack and work that widow lose.  Yes, you're cringing; partly because you've tried something like this before and you know where it's heading.  It's only after 30 minutes of defacing the window frame and gouging a hunk of flesh out of your thumb that you've decided tyo wipe the sweat from you eyes and walk away.

Everyone is vulnerable to the "more of the same" trap when confronted with a problem.  Whether it's doubling down on bad poker hand after bad poker hand, responding the same way to hurtful and unrewarding relationships time and time again, or yelling louder or more often at the kids to get them to behave; it's hard to break the "more of the same" cycle.

The miracle question helps to shift your frame of reference; to allow more room for possibilities.  Because stuck relationships and stuck behaviors can be more challenging and often resit solutions more often than stuck windows.  

 

SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

The answer to the question is that you're already doing something right when it comes to those relationships and behaviors because the "problem" isn't happening all the time!  That's right, it can't be happening all the time.  If you're trying to stop over eating, there have been times when you haven't over eaten,  At least once--if only for a few seconds.  What was different about that time? 

But that's hard to think about when you're suffocating in the problem and repeating your solution in a thousand different variations without one bit of success.  Someone asking you when the problem hasn't occurred, well, it ticks you off in a way.  You're trying to explain how impossible this problem has become and so how intractable it really is and someone is interested in only trying to find a few seconds when it hasn't occurred?  Piss off!

 

LOOKING FOR EXCEPTIONS

That's where the miracle question comes in.  Here no one (not even you) is trying to imply you aren't trying.  Indeed, not even saying your solution won't work.  It's just an invitation to image "what if" and see where that takes you.  If the problem is miraculously gone, what has taken its place, what would be different?  And how would you first realize it absence? 

These questions are sifting for the first clues to what could be the solution.  And, more importantly, where you've already begun to "accidentally" have the solution occur.  The miracle question allows you to first see what it would look like when the problem is no longer around, then you can ask yourself if there ever has been a time when you were doing that?  Even a little bit?  Even if it was only once?  And if so, can you begin to do more of that now?  Or maybe it was the day of the week or the time of day that's important.  Can you put yourself in that situation again for the solution of occur?

 

Soultion-Foused Brief Theray was first developed by Steve de Schazer and Insoo Km Berg along with a team of therapists at their clinic, the Brief Therapy Therapy Center in Milwaukee, WI.

 

YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLEEPY . . .

Hypnosis is a misunderstood therapy technique.  This happens because of stage hypnosis.  This is where individuals are brought up on stage and made to perform like chickens or become stiff as boards.  It ia an experience helped along by the audience and the desire to please which is exploited by the performer.

Clinical hypnosis is a therapeutic tool that can allow you to use the resources you already have available in your own mind.  If you have got in your own way or worked against your own best interests then you already understand the value in this technique. 

The thing to remember is that a hypnotic state is a normal and natural state to find yourself in.  A state you experience many times throughout the day.  If you've gotten lost in a book or absorbed in a hobby and lost track of time, you have hypnotized yourself.  If you were deep in thought on the way home from work and suddenly found yourself pulling onto your street or into your driveway then you've hypnotized yourself.  Remember, it isn't some special trick, it really is a natural state of consciousness you move in and out of in your day-to-day life.  Clinical hypnosis simply harnesses that state to help you in a more intentional manner.

 

MISUNDERSTANDINGS TO CLEAR UP

There are many, but here are the core concerns individuals typically worry about the most.

You can't be forced to do something you don't want to do.  It isn't mind control or a way to get into your mind and plant thoughts or behaviors you don't want.  You can however, have post-hypnotic suggestions to support your goals and desires.

 

You're always completely aware of what you're doing.  You do not lose consciousness or lose awareness of your surroundings.  You don't have to close your eyes or even lay down.  You can be awake, alert, and responsive.

 

It's not used by any competent professional to discover repressed memories.  A controversial activity that has now been clearly discredited.  The brain does not operate like a tape or video recorder so memories are not stored somewhere, frozen in time, ready to be retrieved.  They change over time and are effected by new memories and interactions we have.

 

SOME WAYS HYPNOSIS IS USED

Medical hypnosis is used in surgery with those who are unable to have anaesthesia.  This is one of the more  dramatic uses of this technique.  It is a powerful reminder of the function the brain has over the body's pain receptors.

You can go back in time to remember a positive and successful experience; then imagine all those constructive feelings and beliefs about yourself are present in a future experience you plan to have like speaking in front of a large group.

You take a memory of an incident and imagine that you acted differently.  That you were able to speak to that person you never got a chance to do and allow yourself some closure.

 

These are just a few things that are open to you as you explore the subconscious process of the mind.  The more conscious part of you typically strives to control your behavior and feelings, but when it gets stuck, knowing there are side paths that, while meandering or even seem to be dead-ends, are available and can surprisingly take you right were you wanted to go all along. 

 

Maybe you've already had such an experience when temporally lost while driving or taking a shortcut walking in your neighborhood.  You're feeling completely confident you'll will find your way.  Just close your eyes and relax . . .

 

When have you lost track of time?  Has a solution to a problem suddenly occurred to you while being absorbed in another task?

BOUNDARIES

A Texas substance abuse counselor was arrested in Texas Tuesday after being discovered by police in a car with a teen male client.  Allegedly the 16 year-old boy admitted they had engaged in sex on different occasions.  It's always more heightened when women are involved in sexual offending behaviors against male teens.  More sensational than disgust when it is an adult female abusing a male teenager rather than a man abusing a girl.  There is always that. 

Of course it's illegal and it's illegal because the brain of a juvenile isn't developed enough to understand the ramifications of what the adult is doing with them.  That adults have many more resources available to them (both cognitively and materially) that eliminates the possibility of anything like a fair and equal partnership.  That's why it's illegal.

This gender issue of how bad it really is for a woman to engage in sex with a 16 year-old boy will be played out over the coming months.  Yet, the law is blind in these matters and in the recent past most female offenders are treated no different that men who offend against female teens.

What is also disturbing is the other sad issue.  The violation of the professional boundary by a licensed mental health professional. When it involves a child it is even more of a violation and so doubling the tragedy.  Of parents second-guessing and filled with guilt in trusting this person. 

Relationships with counselors involved in helping you deal with emotional problems, relationship and parenting issues, and crises of the most personal nature are naturally intimate.  Meaning they require the client to share personal facts and lower natural defenses not seen in anything but the most trusted and personal (read intimate) relationships.

And so the professional relationship is strictly regulated, and procedures taught, and supervision given, and continuing education delivered; all in the hopes that the professional boundary is never crossed.

 

HOW PROFESSIONALS BECOME VULNERABLE

Not taking care of their own needs.  Everyone is human and some of the best counselors are wounded healers.  It's a profession with real risks.  An isolating and secret profession where the most intense relationships may be at the office not in the every-day-world at home filled with demands and disappointments.  The counselor is responsible to meet those needs which doesn't include the client.  The smartest and best counselors are involved in their own psychotherapy, personal healing, and enrichment activities to protect themselves from these risks.

Not recognizing the intimate nature of psychotherapy.  The therapist most at risk is the one who thinks to themselves, "That could never happen to me".  A counselor must say to themselves, "I never want that to happen to me".  Then seriously understand just how easy it is and take steps to prevent it.  Smart and effective counselors have colleagues they routinely consult with and willingly submit to supervision well after the time it is required to get their license.  Being held accountable for the actions they take with a client ensures that blind spots don't develop and questionable behavior is seen before it hurts the client.

Not addressing their client's needs.  Clients are capable of engaging in behavior that's not in their best interest.  Skilled counselors confront clients with inappropriate sexual, financial, or other offers and behaviors.  Not to shame, or scold, or lecture.  But to help the client understand their own behavior so that they can act in healthy and safe ways on their own behalf.

 

WHAT BOUNDARIES LOOK LIKE

You pay this person.  the relationship becomes professional the moment the counselor gives you advice, sets an appointment with you, or takes your money.  This means you no longer can be friends.  You can't have lunch together, and you can't have a drink after the session.  Less obvious is the counselor is no longer on equal footing with you.  A counselor can only have a professional intimate relationship with you, not a personal one.  Healthy counselors find other outlets to meet their own needs.

You talk about your problems they don't talk about theirs.  This is what makes the relationship unequal.  It also makes it worth having in the first place.  With friends you have to take turns sharing and then listening to each others problems.  This is great for building relationships.  Lousy when you're trying to figure yourself out. Wise therapists realize some clients could of been great friends and allow themselves to recognize it, grieve it, and let it go.

Counseling is the only thing you're paying for.  Your therapist may have written a few books but you aren't going to get them in the office unless they're free.  Why?  Because they can't be your bookstore and your counselor.  Just like they can't be your life coach and counselor, the contractor for your new house and your counselor, or your vitamin sales rep and your counselor.  Your counselor gets to have just one professional relationship with you.  They know too much about you and it's too easy to use that information for their own best interests even if they don't realize their doing it.  So, it's not allowed.  Ethicial counselors work to make sure they don't give you the impression anything else is going on other that psychotherapy.

 

 A SAD SITUATION

Like in therapy it's important to confront unpleasant situations  in the hope of learning something and to begin to make better choices in the future.  Talking about it as a professional and inviting others to comment is one way those in the profession deal with it.

I'm sad for what happened to that counselor.  I'm sorry that it happened to that boy.  I'm upset for what happened to that family, their community, and that counseling center.  I'm ashamed on behalf of the mental health profession that it's happened, again. 

 

What risks do other helping professions (like educational or medical) and personal services (like housekeeping and lawn care) have?

FAMILY VACATIONS

Vacations are soon wrapping up and school will be starting.  If you're getting frantic about how to keep your children on track this vacation, here are a few more last minute ideas.

 

KEEPING KIDS INTERESTED IN ROUTE

The TravelHacker over at airlinecreditcards.com has posted 27 ideas to keep your kids entertained while in the air.  Listed below are a few ideas.

 

• 20 Questions Junior electronic game for kids 8 and up great for plane trips.  Or do it the old fashioned way and play is as a family in the car.

• What young child doesn't like Candyland?  Here's a travel version of the popular game.

• Mad Libs - either the electronic version or the less expensive traditional Mad Libs paper version.

• And an ingenious idea, Finger Puppets.  Using their imagination is a bonus.

 

parenting .com has several real-world tips by moms making travel work with their kids.

 

• Create funny new lyrics to the kid's familiar tunes

• Younger kids may like a "guess it" game by closing their eyes and guessing what an object is by feel.

• For next year, slowly gather simple toys and games and keep them in a special tote so it's ready to go when you head out on a trip.

• My favorite, always answer "yes" to the question, "are we there yet?"

 

EDUCATING KIDS ON THE FLY

The site sheknowsparenting.com has great ideas to slide a little review in before school starts while on vacation.

 

• Take advantage of visiting new or unfamiliar places and strengthen their vocabulary.  Use synonyms--have them think up similar words or go big and have a spelling contest.

• The time-honored tradition of looking for license plates should not be overlooked.  Look for license plates, and try to spot one from every state. They suggest adding a twist by searching for the state slogan as well.  Then you can talk about what it means.  Nice touch.

• The best idea is to make the oft-time chore of taking pictures on vacation into a learning experience by including the kids and teaching them about the camera.  They push out this idea one more step by suggesting you create a contest and have the kids select scenery or other  things they want photographed, then the child with the best idea can write a caption describing the photo--add it to your family album.

 

DISCIPLINING KIDS OFF THE CLOCK

The onlineparentingcoach.com tackles the tough task of disciplining while on vacation.  Grounded in reality, they offer compassionate tips that are firm but fair.

 

They suggest a checklist of questions to review before you act.

• Can you follow through on the consequences your given your child?

• Will your child learn from it?

• Can you get clear on what possible consequences you have available when you get to your vacation spot?

• Are you in control of your physical and emotional reactions before you punish?

 

Go to these and other sites, check out their tips, click on the links, and in no time you'll have an arsenal to battle boredom, whinning, and naughtiness; and come back having enjoyed your vacation.

 

What has worked the best to keeping your kids on track during vacation?  What didn't work out?

PERCHANCE TO DREAM

"To sleep, perchance to dream--ay there's the rub"  Shakesphere (Hamlet)

 

WHY WE DREAM

We all dream, it seems.  Though there's no agreement on why.   Even animals dream.  What's agreed upon is that the stage of sleep called Rapid Eye Movement (REM) is where all the action occurs, and when you're continually awakened from that stage, you'll soon begin to suffer, and if this continues, you'll even start to lose touch with reality.

Even though this seems to be the stage of sleep when you mainly dream and you must experience this stage of sleep to function; it doesn't mean you can conflate the two and say you must dream which is why there's no consensus about why we do it and what is its purpose.

So with this mix of certainty and uncertainty theories are free to roam.  The one you want to explore is that of Carl Jung.  Yes Sigmund Freud has his version, but Carl Jung's is more interesting and potentially useful.

 

WHAT ARE DREAMS

Dreams can be seen as part of our life unseen, the unconscious.  Eminent Jungian author Robert A. Johnson puts it this way, "The conscious mind is but a cork bobbing on the sea of the unconscious mind".  His book, "Inner Work" is an excellent overview of how to engage in Jungian dream analysis for yourself. 

Dreams are a window through which you view your unconscious self operating independently from your conscious life.  Each part of your dream is about you.  Not omens of the future or even how you view others who happen to populate your dreams.  Each character, every place and situation, the colors and sounds--all of it is telling you something about yourself.

 

WHAT'S THEIR MEANING

This can come as a great relief.  For example, you dream of chasing someone important to you and you have an object in you hand.  You may worry that you want to harm that person in real life.  A Jungian interpretation would rather ask, what part of yourself is being chased?  What part of you is doing the chasing?  What part of you is the object you're holding?  What part of your life represents the place the chase is taking place?  Starting to get the idea?

If you dream being in a house, the house represents you.  What part?  Which floor or room is what part of you?  While this encourages you to categorize objects into standardized symbols, Jungian theory would strongly discourage this.  You are unique and falling into a cookbook approach would miss the true nature of your unique unconscious self.

 

YOUR OWN DREAMS

This methodology of interpretation also minimizes the risk of acting on dreams in ways that work against your own self interest.  It keeps your dreams close to home and focused on where their evaluation will do the most good--looking at yourself.

Johnson's book, "Inner Work" and his latest book, "Living Your Unlived Life: Coping With Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose In the Second Half of Life", take you through the steps in a honest and practical way.  Analyzing your dreams and other aspects of your unconscious life yourself if you can't have the guidance and expertise of a Jungian therapist.

 

What do you think dreams mean?  Can they be useful in our conscious life?