Relationship Glue

SUPPORT YOUR CHANGES

I had the chance to sit down with Rebecca Regnier, The host of Full Plate and former anchor of Good Morning along with her cameraman Brian at my office over at Court Diagnostic & Treatment Center.  She wanted to talk about how support from others plays a role when you're making changes in your life.  She will be airing several segments on making changes at 13abc starting next week and after the new year.  She has just finished writing a new book, Your Twitter Diet: How I Used Twitter to Lose 20 Pounds & You Can Too!  that looks at social media and the power of the group when making changes.  Here are some of the thoughts I shared with her.

 

WHERE DO YOU BEGIN?

To change you need to recognize the gap between where you are and where you want to be.  Be it your health, finances, or relationships.  That gap is your motivation to make the decision to change and start planning how you’ll go about it.  Planning is how you’ll succeed and an important part of that plan is support.  While you’ll need to know exactly what steps to take to achieve your goal and what the barriers and challenges will look like, it’s key to choose the right type of person to support you.

 

WHO WILL STAND BEHIND YOU?

They’ll need to be those you love–like family members; or who actively care about you–like friends who really know you; and those you respect–like members of a support group or colleagues.  Just announcing your plan to supportive individuals builds motivation for you to carry through–now it seems real and they can celebrate with your success and encourage you during difficult challenges or setbacks that are a normal part of the change process.

 

WILL YOU MAKE IT THROUGH?

But that’s not enough.  You’ll need to find a way to make your support part of you change plan. to help you accountable.  For example, you could give a friend a meaningful sum of money in the beginning.  If you fail to achieve your overall goal, they can send it to an organization you hate; that’s strong motivation!  Of course they’re also there to remind you of why you’re making this change and cheering you on to success.

 

CAN YOU DO IT AGAIN?

Not everything you want to change has the same level of difficulty–and support form others won’t change that.  But it’s possible to change your behavior and with motivation and encouragement form others these tasks are more likely to succeed.

How have you succeeded with making changes in your life?  What kind of support do you find helpful?

 

Keep an eye next week on 13abc for more on Rebecca’s new book and her segments about making life changes in the new year.

 

DO YOU HAVE A MIRACLE QUESTION?

 

WHAT IF . . .

after having fallen sleep tonight, a miracle happened and the problem you've been struggling with disappeared.  It no longer exists.  However, when you awaken you don't know this miracle has happened.  So, how will you first begin to tell that the problem no longer exists.  How will it not show up in your life?  What will be there instead?  This miracle allows you to begin to riff on possibilities not the impossibilities of your problem.

The miracle question.  A simple and and elegant way to begin to shift your mindset and focus on solutions. That shift in focus is the miracle itself.  This theory of helping (solution-focused brief therapy) believes that when you're having a problem you'll tend to keep repeating the same solution over and over.  You'll change it up some; how often you attempt your solution, how intensely you apply that solution, or maybe how long you'll put that solution to work.  But in the end it's the same solution only implemented differently.  Which is being "stuck".

A concrete example of being stuck and repeating the "solution" would be if a window jam had been painted over and you wanted to get it unstuck and begin to enjoy the fresh fall air on a sunny weekend afternoon.  You might grab a screwdriver and attempt to work it into the side of the widow and frame and give a little pull.  You hear the cracking of wood and some paint begins to flake off and fall on the sill.  Well, something's happening right?  It's not opening, but something "moved"  So, let's try it a little more.  Soon out comes a hammer just to work the blade a little deeper into the crack and work that widow lose.  Yes, you're cringing; partly because you've tried something like this before and you know where it's heading.  It's only after 30 minutes of defacing the window frame and gouging a hunk of flesh out of your thumb that you've decided tyo wipe the sweat from you eyes and walk away.

Everyone is vulnerable to the "more of the same" trap when confronted with a problem.  Whether it's doubling down on bad poker hand after bad poker hand, responding the same way to hurtful and unrewarding relationships time and time again, or yelling louder or more often at the kids to get them to behave; it's hard to break the "more of the same" cycle.

The miracle question helps to shift your frame of reference; to allow more room for possibilities.  Because stuck relationships and stuck behaviors can be more challenging and often resit solutions more often than stuck windows.  

 

SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

The answer to the question is that you're already doing something right when it comes to those relationships and behaviors because the "problem" isn't happening all the time!  That's right, it can't be happening all the time.  If you're trying to stop over eating, there have been times when you haven't over eaten,  At least once--if only for a few seconds.  What was different about that time? 

But that's hard to think about when you're suffocating in the problem and repeating your solution in a thousand different variations without one bit of success.  Someone asking you when the problem hasn't occurred, well, it ticks you off in a way.  You're trying to explain how impossible this problem has become and so how intractable it really is and someone is interested in only trying to find a few seconds when it hasn't occurred?  Piss off!

 

LOOKING FOR EXCEPTIONS

That's where the miracle question comes in.  Here no one (not even you) is trying to imply you aren't trying.  Indeed, not even saying your solution won't work.  It's just an invitation to image "what if" and see where that takes you.  If the problem is miraculously gone, what has taken its place, what would be different?  And how would you first realize it absence? 

These questions are sifting for the first clues to what could be the solution.  And, more importantly, where you've already begun to "accidentally" have the solution occur.  The miracle question allows you to first see what it would look like when the problem is no longer around, then you can ask yourself if there ever has been a time when you were doing that?  Even a little bit?  Even if it was only once?  And if so, can you begin to do more of that now?  Or maybe it was the day of the week or the time of day that's important.  Can you put yourself in that situation again for the solution of occur?

 

Soultion-Foused Brief Theray was first developed by Steve de Schazer and Insoo Km Berg along with a team of therapists at their clinic, the Brief Therapy Therapy Center in Milwaukee, WI.

 

TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE

SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLE

Really, do you have to ask?  Traditionally a man's chore--it doesn't have to be.   The fact that it wasn't done may not mean much, but it does.  Taking out the garbage, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle or the position of the toilet seat all seem trivial until they become life or death.  They represent the struggle, the frustration--the near impossibility--of living with another adult.  Until the kids get old enough to take on the chore.  And then it's about the near impossibility of living with a teenager.  But this post is about living with your partner.

 

ORGANIZING FOR A FIGHT

It's fun to find the humor in this issue, but it's important to understand how little issues become serious ones. It's difficult to be vulnerable.  To tell your partner how hurt you feel or let down by their inconsiderate behavior.  You need your partner to be considerate because maybe you never felt that growing up.  Or you hoped your relationship will help make up for all those things your imperfectly human family--the one in which you grew up--didn't meet. 

Everyone has emotional hurts and needs in their life and it's easier to use these token issues--concrete and safe symbols--to represent the tender parts the reside inside.  Unconsciously everyone participates in this high wire act to get these deeper emotional needs met.  Understanding what is happening behind the scenes with your feelings gives you a head start on solving the problem while knowing where your intense feelings are coming from.

 

THE MEANING OF MEANING

Yes, forgetting to take out the garbage can simply mean he forgot to take out the garbage.  Not always.   When you begin to fall in love with someone there is a deeply unconscious place where you know that you're about to soar into a wonderful experience or fall broken on the ground. There is an unconscious struggle to give in to it and a resistance--to fight it and save yourself from the destruction that comes from rejection. 

You begin to look for clues to see if they also have those feelings.  Italian sociologist Francesco Alberoni calls them Truth Tests from his book, "I Love You".  Every act, every word, every glance gets interpreted to somehow discover the beloved's heart.  Taking out the garbage becomes a Truth Test.  And when you begin to repeatedly fail your partner's Truth Tests; you have bigger problems than taking out the garbage.

 

HELPFUL TIPS

Understand your history--what needs were left unfinished in your first family?  No parent is perfect and so no child escapes childhood without some emotional scars.  That's part of becoming an adult.  Your task is to take advantage of your partner's imperfections to address your scars and love yourself and heal.

Know how you feel--Take time to get alone and begin to find out whats beneath that anger.  What more vulnerable feelings is the anger protecting?  Anger is a normal and acceptable feeling that's empowering.  Yet the feelings beneath it are just as valuable and deserve your awareness.

Value your needs--you grow as a person when you recognize your own limitations.  There is no such thing as unlimited potential.  Everyone has limits.  Everyone has needs and you're in a better position to have a healthy relationship when you know the things you just have to have in a relationship if you're going to have the best chance at happiness.

Realize your partners imperfections--The focus has been on you.  Now take a moment to realize these tips apply to your partner.  Warm up to the idea that you're both imperfect; from imperfect families trying to deal with that history while being present for one another.

Know the impossible task it is to routinely and consistently make someone else happy much less yourself.  When you and your partner fail--and you surely will fail--know how amazing a gift you give one another by simply being present; honoring each other's imperfections.

 

What's your take on how the little becomes the big?  How have you stepped back from the brink in your relationships?

6.8 WAYS TO BE A DATING PARENT AND LOVE IT

 

Parenting is lifelong like a marathon.   Dating is fast like F1 racing.  Being a dating parent is like changing your underwear while skydiving.  Scary, humiliating and merciful if brief.  It doesn't have to be.  The right mindset, healthy self confidence, and a bit of time to prepare will make it exhilarating fun and breathing slower when it's over--well, like skydiving.

 

1.  GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

You're single.  You have little time; and energy wains long before your head hits the pillow.  You'll get to finding someone when you have time.  All excuses.  You can disappear into your kids lives and feel perfectly fulfilled.  Only to resurface years later feeling deprived and bitter that life has given you a raw deal. 

2.  BAG THE GUILT!

Now is the time to iron out the emotional wrinkles keeping you from having healthy adult relationships.  Romantic and sexual relationships that help you grow and become the best version of yourself.  In the end, what matters to your kids is all you've really got to give--you.

3.  KNOW YOUR WANTS

Let's be clear.  You're looking for love.  Whether you settled or not the last time; that's not what you want to do now.  The guy you want needs to be in love with you.  Why?  Because you are already in love--with your kids.  That's forever.  He must love all of you or it's no deal.  When a man's in love, he will love your kids completely and without question because he's in love with you.  They're an extension of you and so he loves them as he loves you.  Unless he's in love, that won't happen.

4.  GAME FACE ON

One chance.  One chance only to make that first impression.  It really isn't fair, but true.  If you put the kids in the car and run out to the grecery store for a pint of cookie dough in your sweats, you'll run into the guy of your dreams.  You don't look your best and you won't get another chance to make that first impression.  So you must first accept the fact of human evolution.

Be prepared for first impressions and take the time to make the best of your physical and personality strengths and minimize the inevitable anatomical and psychological weaknesses.  Nobody's perfect so don't go out into the world unprepared for the unexpected while dating.

5.  LEND A HAND

Your guy will need help transitioning into your family circle.  He found the courage to ask you out and risked rejection.  Paid for the first date.  It's been three dates and you're ready to tell him about the kids.  If he has any bit of maturity and also very interested in you, he'll be great with this piece of news.  Expect him to be excited and want to know them.

Help him make that work.  He's just as nervous your kids won't like him as you.  Make this easier by giving him a leg up on their likes and dislikes.  Make him feel comfortable--give him encouragement as he makes his first attempts at getting to know your children.

If you're saying to yourself, "He's not talking about the guy I'm dating".  Move directly to #6.

 

6. KNOW THE EXITS

Don't force the fit.  It's not a pair of jeans.  Your relationship is more a tailored fit.  A little taking in or letting out is fine.  If you find yourself always looking for a fixer-upper, be kind to yourself and find a therapist you feel  safe enough to explore this need and redirect that energy into taking care of yourself.

When your ready, start dating only those guys that challenge you.  That make you a better person while you're spurring them on to be their best selves.  It's scary being alone.  Countless others refuse to find better relationships because of it.  You need to let the process of opening up to love work; allowing your efforts to yield healthy results--not just any one will do. 

Find this boundary and honor it with your full commitment.  The unexpected happens when moving in valued directions with your life.

 

0.8  ENJOY THE MOMENT

Being the center of attention can make you squirm.  Your kids hold that place in your heart.  You'll worry if you have enough energy or love to include one more person in your life.  Love has a way of creating more than it gives.  You know this and this person between you and the lighted candles may want to create a new life with you.  Or not.  Maybe its a good dinner and conversation with a grown up.  Either way be in the moment and enjoy the adventure--well, like skydiving.

 

How has finding a loving partner changed you as a parent?  Have you regretted dating with kids?

 

TIME TO COMMIT: FALL 5K'S IN TOLEDO

 

Time is here to brace yourself for the Fall onslaught of 5k's in the area.  No matter where you live in the country, 5k's get popular in the fall all the way through to the end of the year.  The heat has let off and gains made during the summer can now be tested.  Here are some of my favorites in the area.  For all the many races planned, check out Toledo Roadrunners calender of events.

 

FIRST, A FEW I HAVEN'T TRIED

September 10th: Sunshine's Walk, 5K Run & Roll- the run benefits Sunhine Children's Home. 

 

September 18th: Oak Opennings Stampde 25K & 5K Fun Run/Walk.

 

October 16th: Sylvania YMCA & JCC of Greater Toledo Fall Festival 5K Run/Walk. 

 

A FEW I HAVE

November 24th: Turkey Trot 5K & Fitness Walk - this run benefits Hospice of Northwest Ohio, honor the Gomez Family.    

 

November 26th: Holiday Hustle 5K & Walk - Part of Maumee's Holiday Light Prade festivities.  

 

December 13th: Jingle Bell 5K Run & Walk - Supporting the Arthritis Foundation.

 

December 31st: Midnight Special 5K & Walk- Toledo Roadrunners.

 

The runs also have walks so that means you can bring the kids.  Modeling fitness is more effective than hours of lectures about fitness .  Great as a couple adventure or a date.  What favorite runs of yours are missing?  What has been the best race you've ever run?

 

WHERE ARE YOU NOT SHOWING UP?

 

CREATIVITY

Stand up for your creativity.  Sure you're a mom and have a job.  Maybe you've haven't picked up a brush or a pen in years.  You really aren't going to blame your kids for that?  Yeah it's unfair to put it that way, but there is a way to be present--to show up and create amid the chaos.  The secret--it's all chaos.  Creating may be teaching.  Teaching kids to ride horses or spell words.  It may be cracking a equation or ad campaign.  It can be writing or music or performing.  Your creativity is inside you waiting for you to show up.

Eric Maisel talks of creating in the middle of things.  What a great way to say it.  Life is all around you happening moment by moment.  Insistent, pressing, standing over your shoulder and breathing down your neck.

Your creativity is quietly waiting--patently resting in the corner for you to show up and be present with it.  Its maddening, unavoidable, knowing it there in the back of your mind; watching you pass back and forth ignoring it.  Creativity is about making meaning in your life.  Refusing to move your life in that valued direction will leave you vacant and empty. 

 

CENTERED

So how to get yourself present and ready to create?

Don't wait.  You'll never be ready.  You don't have to be.  It's about creating in the middle of the chaos remember?  So just breathe.  Breathing in and visualizing what you need to create.  Breathe in the peace, the confidence, the desire, the inspiration, the faith . . . to create.  Become mindful of your own skin, the rising and falling of your chest.  The souls of your feet planted firmly in the ground.  Rooted like a strong oak growing in the rich earth.  finding nourishment to create what you need to create.

 

Don't try.  Now it's time to do.  Translates into making the first steps without assurance you'll be successful.  Take that leap and the process unfolds and reveals the next step.  One step and another unfolds.  Or not. It doesn't matter--only that you do instead of trying to figure out if it will work.

 

Don't falter.  Where courage and creativity blend.  You are making steps, its working or it's not.  Will you remain present?  Will you disappear into doubt or despair or apathy?  Will you remain present in the process of creating or leave the room and blink in the face of making meaning in your life?

So what if you do.  You return to it and begin the process again.  Creating; your family life, your professional life or your notion of a creative life; it doesn't matter how you create.  What does matter is what you are willing to face each time you believe you've let yourself down.

 

 

Being present--showing up in your own life is the most creative and courageous act you can do.  How have you shown up in your life today?  Where do you tend not to show up?

THE MENTAL GAME

MENTAL

Life is first and foremost a mental game.  Your mind is what will determine if you get started or continue when things are getting tough.  You've heard this before and more; like how well you perform may depend on how well you think you'll perform.   Or believing in yourself first is required to achieve.  Most weekend athletes and sales people psych themselves up this way every day. So what's new to write about on this subject? Plenty.  

 

INSIGHT

Psyching yourself out to better perform is one layer that's fairly easy and quick to do.  Deep understanding of yourself is worth the effort, but not often encouraged.  Insight has been downgraded in the past few decades.  Why? Insight doesn't automatically produce actions. You may understand yourself but haven't changed one bit. Psychoanalysis found that out the hard way.  

But insight is what can be missing from your improvement program today. You have goals around your health, fitness, work, family, and creative life.  How you approach them will determine if you fail or succeed.  

Understanding your failures is more important than succeeding--always.  Self-awareness takes time and knowing why you act against your own best interests helps you become connected to those more mysterious parts of yourself left lurking just out of your conscious awareness.  The choice is to take the time or forever berate yourself for not being mentally tough enough to get the things done you want to do in life.  

There are three steps to gaining insight about yourself.

1.  You find insight by thinking.  About your childhood--the family you grew up in, your experiences in school, how you dealt with teenage social life, what college was like and your romantic relationships.  It's about thinking.  

2.  Then it's about writing.  From a sporadic or disjointed writing process often comes a sense of clarity.  Themes emerge and significant events come into focus.  

3.  Talking is next.  Finding someone in your life you respect and trust to share your thoughts is often helpful.  If you want more structure and confidentiality (and not having to listen to the other person's problems) you can find a local mental health professional.  But talking about who you are and how you became that way--being witnessed and validated by another caring individual; is more empowering, helpful, and quicker than reading a dozen self-improvement books a year.

 

MEANING

Gaining some self-awareness is first, now its time for some meaning-making.  Action is the only thing that will make meaningful what you've learned about yourself. 

1.  Identify what you value in your life.  Not what you think other people want you to value.  What you value.  Your values are the direction you will be heading with your life.  North South East West.  Those are directions and you are looking to find a general direction you want to go in the area you are looking to improve.

2.  Once your direction is set, you can begin to set goals for those areas you are looking to improve.  Goals are flags planted in the ground.  They are far enough away to be challenging but not too close.

3.  Now you keep score.  Charting progress allows you to see forward motion--and falling behind.  The secret is that both will occur.  There is an ebb and flow to success and never forget life moves in both directions.

 

ACCEPTANCE

All the insight--all the motivation and you'll still betray yourself sometimes.  You are more than your conscious thoughts. Being able to accept that there are parts of you that are outside your conscious control will get you on the path for real self-awareness.  Honoring those parts of you that you don't understand yet allows you to know you're bigger than you know--greater than you yet understand--and so more willing to discover the incredible uniqueness that resides within you.

 

When have you caught a glimpse of the unconscious at work in your life?  Have you discovered there's more than meets the eye inside of you?

WHAT'S GOOD TO EAT AROUND TOLEDO?

TREO

Nestled on a downtown corner in Sylvania, Treo is a pleasant surprise!  I've no affiliation; I just love the experience enough to want to talk about it.

 

THE EXPERIENCE

It's smart and urbane, not pretentious.  A warm and welcoming local eatery with an international sensibility.  It has a jazz lounge, a wine bar, French and Italian roots with a local flair.  Creativity simply vibrates on this quiet corner. 

The bartender on duty had 10 years experience working with wine giving her near sommelier experience--and it shows.  A server sings opera off duty and is as well versed in Chekhov as in the daily special, while the manger could easily discussed complex foreign policy or the intricacies of Belgian ales--your choice.

 

THE FOOD

Impressed with the New England clam chowder it had an artisanal quality with fresh prepared ingredients, creamy broth, and perfect seasoning.  My "French lunch" of melted Gruyere over crusty french bread and prosciutto was bistro-perfect.  The selection of jazz artists is clearly thoughtful and the regulars welcoming.  By the end of the evening I was treated to a guide to ruby port as well as local and international beers while another staff person was entertaining a nearby couple of travels in Venice and Spain. 

 

THE VERDICT

Both cosmopolitan and French bistro Treo offers supreme cuisine and ambiance that fits the young professionals who are making their mark on Toledo.  Make sure you check out the Tuesday Film & Dinner Night, Thursday Wine Tasting, or try the jazz weekend night of your choice.  Whatever you do, get to Treo soon.

Am I gushing?  Indeed, like a school girl.  I'm a raving fan--it's the reaction you should strive for in your life, and certainly in your creative life.  

 

What will you leave behind when you're gone?  Sighs of relief or raving fans?

 

YOUR THOUGHTS OR MINE?

 

WHAT I THINK IS . . .

"I think, therefore I am".  Descartes was on to something; oh unless . . ."The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings".  Wait a minute, that was Shakespeare. 

Okay, now I've got it, "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them".  by the roman slave (who earned his freedom) Epictetus.

Yes, the idea that thoughts create our lives has indeed been around along time.  Is it old fashioned or is there something to it?  If we accept for a moment that language truly is what sets us apart from the other creatures of our planet (just ask James Franco and his new movie), then we can begin to see our concept of the "mind" differs from the brain. 

The brain is a physical organ while , well where is the mind?  Exactly.  We create the mind through our language and so create ourselves in it.  We can live in our minds; dwelling in the past or the future, rather than the present moment--the only thing that actually exists.  As each moment moves into the once-lived past and from the imagined future.

 

LET'S GET PRACTICAL

 We perceive whats around us through our physical senses.  Within the organ called our brain, we process the massive number of impulses via our nerve cells to create what we call reality. Therefore we create what we feel and experience.  As Dr. David Burns is in the habit of saying, you can change what you feel, by changing how you think".

The heart of Cognitive Therapy is exactly that.  By closely examining our habit of interpreting our sensations, we can begin to make decisions about how rational or distorted they've become.  We are creatures of habit and tend to tell ourselves the same things over and over.

If how we've gotten into the habit of explaining to ourselves what is happening around us is helpful, then how we feel is fine.  If however we've become to be destructive or defeating in out thoughts, then our feelings are sure to follow.   Feeling depressed or anxious will not tend to lead us to behavior that's in our best interest.

 

WHAT TO DO?

The solution is that we can begin to be aware of and then challenge (and change) what we think.  In the process, we change how we feel and so our behavior begins to move in more productive directions.  Getting a handle on our thought is the first step in understanding our feelings.  Which are the engine that drives our behaviors.

While it's possible to have complications that make this a tricky process, and talking to your physician if you're depressed or anxious is always the right thing to do; understanding that you can change your thoughts which impact your feelings is as empowering as it is age-old wisdom.

 

When has your mind trapped you into acting on unhelpful thoughts?  Can you be aware of your thoughts without having to act on them?

 

 

 

HELP I'M HYPER!

 
WHAT IS ADULT ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER?

It's not just a case of a few too many espressos.  Adult Attention Deficit Disorder can be devastating .  Now wait a minute--if you didn't have the symptoms as a kid you can't have the disorder now.  In fact, as an adult you've probably have a handle on the hyperactivity part.  It's the inattention that wreaks havoc in your life.  The struggle to gather together the focus you need to get to where you want to go in life--work, family, creativity--everything can be a a mass of confusion and chaos when you suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder as an adult.

In fact, it wasn't even a disorder until 1980.  By 1998 even the American Medical Association relented and agreed it really was a developmental disorder.  Lots of individuals who suffer from this disorder continue to have problems as adults. The problem resides in the frontal lobe of the brain where the executive functions reside.  Here is where you plan, organize, and marshal your forces to achieve the goals you have made for yourself.  When this area of the brain is not as active as it needs to be, you simply are not able to put things together and make things happen.

 

WHAT CAN I DO?

You need to get a solid assessment and testing to help confirm the diagnosis.  After that, it's a look at treatment. It's considered a behavioral handicap with no cure, but don't despair.  Medication is the treatment of choice for severe symptoms.  Moderate symptoms may be handled through a prosthetic environment.  This simply means you compensate for your forgetfulness by using a calender and writing things down; and by  developing routines like always putting your keys in the same place or a checklist of everything you need before you head to work.

 

CREATIVITY OR MANIA?

If you feel you really are too "hyper"; then you need to evaluate if you're experiencing a Manic Episode and suffering from Bipolar Disorder rather than Attention Deficit Disorder.  If you find you're escalating to a near continual state of euphoria without the need to sleep; then it may be time to talk to your physician.  While it may naturally occur during a creative burst of energy, the aftermath and inevitable crash may be worse that the art you created.

 

What types of distractions keep you from the goals you want to achieve?